Next Letter To Dad

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts about my Dad's letter and how to respond. I agree it's going to be a long process and I can't expect him to instantly embrace something like this when it took me so long to do it, and his cultural . . . well, I'll call them what they are, prejudices, are a lot deeper than my reticence was. I realize that it's almost miraculous that he and I are even talking about this, since as a lot of you know, just a couple of months ago I expected we would both live the rest of our lives without any mention of it.

So I used the time during today's flight to draft the next letter to him. Thoughts and comments welcomed.



Dear Dad:

First of all let me say again how truly grateful I am that you're willing to continue our dialogue about a challenging subject. No two people ever see things exactly the same way all the time, but as long as we continue to talk and try to understand each other, that's what counts. It took me a long time to accept this part of myself and to learn that I really would be (and have been) happier since acknowledging that this is who I am, who I've always been. So having taken that long myself, I can't expect you or anyone else to instantly acclimatize and accept this disclosure, especially coming from the perspectives that I know you have. Patience will be a good thing for both of us.

I regret that my last letter made you sad and disappointed, and I understand your reaction based on the opinions you've expressed. This subject is giving not just you but the whole church fits right now, and it will continue to cause some of the greatest individual and collective wrestling matches and difficulties the church has faced in decades, as old notions and paradigms are challenged and changed. A friend of mine is well-acquainted with several members of the Quorum of the Twelve and quotes them as saying even the apostles and First Presidency have widely differing opinions over this whole issue and how the church should address it. Some people will choose to see the resulting current and inevitable future social changes as the biggest attack on the church and society in their lifetimes. I see them as an opportunity to participate in ending a history of centuries of terrible prejudice, abuse, and faith-based persecution of a group of God's children who've asked for nothing more than the simple freedom to be who they are and love who they love freely and without fear, things that everyone else takes for granted. Some decry that as "against the natural order of things." But remember that slavery, strict racial segregation and discrimination were also accepted for millennia as God's will too, part of the "natural order of things" and defended with scripture, even by LDS apostles and prophets who clung to their racism long after much of the rest of the country had abandoned it. Until suddenly all the LDS assumptions were completely up-ended. So there is precedent, Dad, for change that could well shock everyone.

It seems clear from your letter that you believe being gay is a choice: "It is also a choice and not something you were born with." You state that there is "not one scientifically valid longitudinal study that has been done that connects your DNA with homosexuality." We need to reach a common understanding on this point above all others.

Dad, do you really believe that after all I have learned and done and the ways I've served, the faithfulness I've exhibited, the desire to follow the Savior that has characterized my whole life, that I would suddenly choose to dump all of that and plunge headlong into a debauched "lifestyle"? What Mormon guy in his right mind, knowing what the church currently thinks of homosexuality, would consciously choose this? What sane person would say "Hey, I think it would be fun to volunteer for membership in a persecuted misunderstood minority that is shunned and ostracized and called perverts and feared and discriminated against and possibly beaten up and threatened with hellfire and loss of eternal blessings"?

I'm sorry but with all due respect, that just makes no sense! Only a crazed idiot would choose to be gay in such an environment, knowing those likely consequences. Homosexuality is as old as history. There is no eradicating it. Evidence shows it is consistent across all cultures in roughly consistent percentages of a given population. That sounds quite "natural" to me, as natural as hair color or any other consistently recurring biological feature.

But beyond that, Dad, beyond all the scientific studies which do say there is likely a genetic component, beyond the evidence that this feature of someone's personality can't really be changed, I ask that you simply trust me and my knowledge of my own heart. I don't know where my being gay came from. But I know it's always been there, as deep and as permanent as my musical talent or anything else about me. I didn't choose it. I was as surprised as anyone could be when I realized this was part of me. You accept the testimony of the witnesses who saw the gold plates; you've never met those witnesses but you accept what they wrote as true. Can you also accept the testimony of your own son, whose goodness and honesty of heart you've known all his life, that he never chose to be this way? Can you accept, based on what you know of him, that there are countless others who tell the truth when they say exactly the same thing? As a lawyer, I submit to you that such a body of witness testimony is as compelling as any group of Latter-day Saints testifying of the truths they know.

I hope you'll read the materials I put on that CD for you, particularly the pieces by Gary Watts. He has two gay children and has studied this issue for a very long time from your same perspective, that of a traditional conservative LDS parent. I hope you will therefore trust his observations and conclusions. Please Dad be willing to consider that some things may not be as you have thought or been taught. I don't expect that you will ever fully comprehend my perspective on this issue, because you're not gay. And that's fine. But I hope you will keep in mind that I haven't told you anything new. Yes, I did make a choice. But that choice wasn't whether I should be gay or not. The choice was simply to be honest with myself and my family about who I've always been. I chose to no longer live my life in fear, but to embrace everything about the way I was created. I was gay when I was in high school, when I served a mission, when I went to college and law school, when I embarked on my career, as I've built that career and accomplished all of the things I have. Think of every time I've ever said or done anything to make you proud, any achievement I've reached, any service I've rendered, and then please also remind yourself "that was my gay son." Everything in my last letter to you was as true years ago and all along that path as it is now. The only choice that's been made now is to acknowledge it to myself and to tell you about it too.

You've asked a number of valid and pointed questions. I'm going to defer those until after you've read all the materials on that CD, because I think they will give you many of the answers you seek. So please let me know when you've finished reading all that stuff and I'll be delighted to continue our discussion. Looking forward to seeing you next week.

Love

Latest Letter From Dad

Sigh. Dad has responded to my letter below. Last time I saw him, I left on his desk and told him about a CD full of materials from Family Fellowship and other really good resources that I thought would help him understand this subject better. But it doesn't appear that he's read any of that. I asked if he had, but he hasn't responded yet. If he hasn't, then I'll wait to reply to his latest letter till after he's done so because I think that material could give him some new perspectives. But if he has read it and still replied as he did, then I'm going to be seriously depressed. That will be some of the result I always feared. He will continue to show love and concern but he will also live the rest of his life believing that I have chosen to not just drift from but to bolt away from The One True Path at the cost of his family's eternal integrity and my own & my children's eternal blessings.

(P.S. He forgot all about the CD so obviously hasn't read any of it. Whew! I reminded him about it so I'm sure he'll read it now. And that will be a very interesting conversation after he's read so much new scientific information and statements from multiple church members that directly contradict his perspectives!)

I don't blame him, in a sense. He had a very rough childhood and is a convert to the church. Everything stable, hopeful, loving, secure, trustworthy, and beneficial in his life has come from that conversion. It literally saved his life. So he is simply not going to consider the church in any other light.

Here are salient points from his letter. I welcome any and all thoughts on how to respond. No matter what, I want to keep this dialogue going. Mind, though, I will delete any comments that gratuitously diss my Dad.

I have read your letter of the 9th with a deep sense of sadness, disappointment and wonder. I appreciate your efforts to help me understand the decisions you have made about your life-style as you go forward, and your sensitivity to the importance of propriety regarding the family. I sincerely appreciate your concerns and love you for them.


So you will clearly understand where I am on this choice you have made, please know that I do not accept homosexual behavior as a normal social or sexual behavior nor do I accept the life-style as one that promotes a stable, emotionally and spiritually healthy society. A man can have a long-term emotionally close and healthy friendship with all of the characteristics that you describe with other men and not live in a homosexual relationship. It is also a choice and not something you were born with. Lest you believe everything you have been told; there is not one scientifically valid longitudinal study that has been done that connects your DNA with homosexuality. A lot of self-serving homosexual professionals have tried, but to date they have not been successful.


I do not have any difficulty with men who have a close personal friendship like David and Jonathan, a brotherhood of sorts. There is nothing to imply in the scriptures that they had a homosexual relationship. Lots of “gay” leaders have tried to make those connections with other notable people, even Abraham Lincoln in the past, without success. That kind of brotherly relationship can be found by any two men. It is that kind of thing that has led to all kinds of men’s groups being formed about the world for hundreds of years. But the thought of my wonderfully talented and loving son having sex with another man I find morally repugnant. It is as Paul said, “without natural affection.” That is what homosexuality eventually leads to and I am sure you can understand my concerns. I might add; that it is difficult for me to believe that you believe that the Savior would tell you that he finds the behavior you have chosen to be acceptable and within “the bounds the Lord has set.” particularly after your work in the temple.


Be that as it may; what is, is what is, and we both need to move forward, even though we believe different things. The answer to this dilemma may be found in the future. In the meantime and I have some questions of concern. What are you doing to deal with the issue of your personal exaltation as explained in the covenants you made during your endowment? What will tell your children about their eternal relationship to you and their mother? What do you see in your future regarding the sealing to our family? Are you giving up all those future blessing as a result of this choice? What are you going to do if it turns out you have been and are wrong?


My final concern: “Me thinketh thou protestest too loudly.” Homosexual marriage is an abnormal social contract and a moral issue. A normal marriage contract is between a man and a woman, not two men or two women. You know that. The long-term social impact on our culture could be devastating and that is why the Church must take the position it has taken. Your temple experience must have told you that. The Lord is not going to change that and it surprises me that you would expect that to happen. My concern is that you find yourself “kicking against the pricks” as you move forward and find yourself totally alienated from your family and your Church. I sense the anger and intolerance in your choice of words when you describe the position of the Church.


To my knowledge there is not a civil right that “gay” members of our culture do not have that any married couple has. If there are I am not aware of them.

Judge Westermark's Opinion

Okay fasten your seatbelts, this one is kinda long. But you know how lawyers are when they get passionate about something. Especially when they're trapped on a plane with nothing better to do than spin out arguments onto a page.

More than once I've been told I should become a judge. I honestly have no idea why someone would say this. I'm not going to do it though, it'd be more work and less pay. But just for a moment, I will talk like a judge and say, in response to the Salt Lake City Council's passage of an ordinance banning discrimination based on sexual orientation, that I am taking the matter under advisement. That's judgespeak for "I'm not going to decide right now, I have to reflect on this for a while, so come back later and I'll tell you what I think." That's why I haven't posted anything about it before now. I'm still thinking about it. But I do have some interim thoughts that I haven't seen anywhere else.

I've seen the effusive encomia that the Church is finally "doing the right thing" with its "stunning reversal" of public position. Andrew Sullivan said "good for the Mormons" and wishes more Christian churches would follow their lead--itself a stunning change of direction in commentary. I've seen hostile hooting saying the Church's announcement is all a sham, a smoke screen, opportunistic piggybacking on a vote that was already in the bag, a too little too late attempt to repair the damage done by Prop 8, the attitude that says why should we thank the Church for finally doing what's right. I was honestly surprised that Chris Buttars acquiesced so meekly. And I'm also surprised and offended that the good name of Utah's only United States Supreme Court Justice, George Sutherland, has been desecrated by the frightening bigots at the Sutherland Institute, whose leadership has now confirmed that their individual willingness to follow their church's leadership will cave in to their intense and publicly stated hostility toward God's gay children. I've heard cynical speculation that the Mitt Romney campaign has pressured the church to take a pre-emptive strike against the further damage that will be done by 8: The Mormon Proposition in order to bolster Romney's 2012 presidential candidacy.

Lots of heat there, how much light? So as I said, Judge Westermark will, for the time being, take the matter under advisement, to see if the Church actually walks the talk later on with the Utah state legislature and in the face of the Sutherland Institute's defiance. He is willing to give the benefit of significant doubt, to believe that Church spokesman Mr. Otterson is a decent man who, like many Mormons (probably most) has no overt hostility toward gays and lesbians. I'm sure he and many of them are honestly puzzled by accusations that they are hateful because they oppose anything other than one man/one woman marriage.

Deeda Seeds of the Salt Lake City Council referred to the real "pain and fear" she found prevailing within the LDS church over this issue during discussions that preceded this week's actions. Somehow we have to find ways to reduce that "pain and fear." First step is to understand where the "pain and fear" come from. I think there's a mix of factors.

First, LDS Church history is filled with anti-Mormon bigotry and mistreatment. A persecution complex is thus more deeply engraved into the collective Mormon psyche than the characters were on the gold plates. And even though the Mormons have now reached a position of strength that they can stand up and say "we're not going to take that anymore," the collective hypersensitivity to perceived persecution remains. So when Mormons exercise their political clout and then receive the blowback that everyone in the political arena but them clearly foresees, the lag between that clout and their self-image as a hunted, persecuted minority clearly emerges as they say "What, us? We don't hate anybody, why are you doing this?"

Note to Mormons: You aren't at Haun's Mill anymore. You are a politically potent organization and if you want to play in the big leagues, you had bloody well better expect to be beaten up sometimes. You'd better be able to take what you dish out and more in this roughest of rough games. There's no place for individual or collective naivete here. You picked this fight and, whether you believe it or not, your actions have hurt thousands of people not within your religious jurisdiction who resent your political and legal interference with their personal choices. You'd better recognize that result, whether you intended it or not. You may not hate them individually, but what you have done to them is so hurtful they can't explain it any other way.

Second, Mormons aren't very good at separating church and state when the church has taken a stance on a political issue. Church rules for participation in the religion are fine as long as they prevail only within the church, but when that church starts trying to foist those rules on everyone else outside the church too, there will be problems. Mormons tend to be very patriotic as a principle of their faith, but when asked to choose between church and state they will choose church every time and will try to push church-favored policies into the state, solely for religious reasons. The Church has the right to speak publicly, of course. And those who don't share its beliefs are just as free to fight any effort to push a religiously based definition of marriage into secular law that governs people who want nothing to do with living LDS rules.

Third, Mormons cling furiously to the idea that allowing same-sex marriage will somehow "damage" traditional marriage. This is one I just don't get. Empirical evidence that this just isn't true is piling up every day. Denmark is one of the best examples; the same almost hysterical arguments about the demise of traditional marriage were made there years ago when Denmark adopted marriage equality, but now even conservative Danish clergy are conceding their fears were overblown. Massachusetts' divorce rate among gay couples is far below that of straight couples, and nobody there has noticed a rush of formerly straight people to enter into gay marriages, or any militant army of gay spouses pushing campaigns to restrict or destroy straight marriages.

I think the "it will damage traditional marriage" argument is really just a disguise for "it will make homosexual relationships seem normal and our religion (or cultural bias) can't allow that." In short, once again it comes down to either "God said so" or "that's disgusting." And neither one of those is an acceptable basis for secular public policy in the United States.

Fourth, the homophobia and misinformation spread by generations of Mormon leaders amongst membership trained to accept those leaders' words as inspired is deep and latent. It will take a long time to rinse all that toxin out of Mormon culture. LDS teachings on race up to 1978 provided a convenient cover for horrific racism to flourish in the Church long after it became unacceptable everywhere else. The same pattern is playing out with anti-gay prejudice; homophobic Mormon bigots can still hide behind the Proclamation on the Family as they kick their own gay children out onto the streets on the advice of Church leaders who say such perversions shouldn't be tolerated in LDS homes. Like I said, toxins.

Fifth, Mormon culture stresses certainty, not just belief. We don't hear people in church on the first Sunday of every month say they "think" Joseph Smith was a prophet. And in a church whose whole purpose is to get every single person ever born to the altar of a temple for sealing in a heterosexual marriage, the whole notion of homosexuality can't be explained, it doesn't fit. So it's a threat to the Plan of Salvation. And those who push its acceptance on the church are seen as trying to force the church to embrace something that, in Otteson's words, "does violence" to the core of LDS theology. No wonder Mormons--who always pick church over state when forced to choose--recoil. Hence the "pain and fear" that Deeda Seeds mentioned.


I understand all of this. But my fellow Mormons, you're going to have to face and learn to live with the fact that you have already lost this battle. Marriage equality is here to stay and it will only expand. Its supporters are legion, aren't going away, and there are more of us than many of you want to admit. We don't want to damage your marriages or your families. We just want you to stop trying to foist Mormon religious standards onto people who aren't Mormon and have no interest in living Mormon rules. LDS standards are fine within the church, but you have got to let go of the idea that our religious beliefs give us the right to impose them on everyone else. Civil marriage equality does not threaten your religious or political freedoms. That's what Jesus was talking about when he said render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's.

The Scriptures also talk about how great truths are often intuitively sensed by children, the simplest among us, while escaping the grown-ups who think themselves wise and sophisticated. When I first explained Proposition 8 to my 10 year old daughter, she thought for a moment and then said "How does two guys getting married hurt someone else's marriage"? She got it, right off. And she's been an ardent marriage equality supporter ever since. She scoffs at the "pain and fear" those older than her seem to experience over this issue. She doesn't share their prejudices so she is equally happy when John loves and marries Jane, when Clarisse loves and marries Laura, and when Daniel loves and marries Michael. She knows intuitively what the Savior said, that love is the greatest of all. And if Mormons really believed the 9th Article of Faith, I think they'd have a lot less "pain and fear" over marriage equality. They'd be content to know that everything is ultimately in God's hands and He will make all things work out for the good of those who trust Him. Who knows, maybe God has more blessings in store for His gay children than today's Mormons can imagine. And maybe civil marriage equality is the first step to learning what those are.

Next Letter to Dad

Here's the next letter to Dad. I'm pretty settled on this text but will entertain comments if anybody thinks I'm seriously off base anywhere.

Dear Dad:

In our recent correspondence you stated your definition of "the gay lifestyle" and then asked whether I intended to pursue it, and if not, why I had come out. That's a very good question and I've been thinking about it ever since. And now I'm ready to answer, because there are several reasons.

First and simplest is to say yes, the type of relationship you described is what I want: a committed, loving relationship, a marriage. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life any more than you did after Mom died. But I haven't taken this decision because I've suddenly decided to abandon all previous standards or to give in to physical impulses. Ever since I was a teenager I have always wanted that kind of relationship with another of God's sons, the kind David and Jonathan had, and more. But I was just too scared and intimidated by the surrounding society, culture and church to say so. And it seemed quite impossible anyway. But think about it, Dad. Re-read your description of that "lifestyle," remove the issue of orientation from it, and you'll find that you have described what almost everyone wants in their life: steady, reliable intimacy and companionship, love, caring, and giving all that to someone else in return. Gay or straight, doesn't matter, everybody wants all of that and the resulting fulfillment.

You are a bright, perceptive, intelligent guy, Dad; I hope you will be able to see past the myth so many have that the "gay lifestyle" is one of hedonistic self-indulgence that assumes impermanence and isn't interested in fidelity. Certainly there are gay people like that, but there are a lot more straight people like that. Personal irresponsibility isn't a function of orientation. The growing energy in the fight for marriage equality should tell you that a huge number of gay people want exactly the same stable, loving relationships in their lives that straight people do. You and Mom had a wonderful marriage. And that's exactly what I want: all of the love and support and companionship and caring and everything else you two had. The idea that this is possible for two guys may startle you, but I assure you that it's not only possible, it's been done countless times already and there are thousands of such couples all around you right now.

Second reason for coming out is that I could no longer endure the increasing difficulty of hiding my true self from the family and friends I cared about. Imagine spending most of your life in love with Mom and feeling like you had to hide that from everyone, worried that if anyone found out about your feelings or about her you would be ostracized from your entire network of support, from your church, your family, your friends. Imagine being raised to believe in the teachings of a church that told you that if you ever lifted a finger to act on that love for her, you could be excommunicated and cut off from your own family not only for this life but for eternity. Imagine the deception you would be forced to adopt in order to preserve what love and stability you already had, and which you knew you couldn't survive without. Could you sustain all that? For years? Imagine what torture that would be.

That's what it was like, Dad. Every day of every month of every year, I felt like I had to deceive you, mom, all my siblings, extended family and friends as to who I really was and what I really wanted, out of fear that you would reject me, ostracize me, that the church would kick me out, all because of something I never chose and can't change. Thank God I finally mustered the courage to say "No more." I am so grateful for your reassurances and your efforts to understand. I have friends whose parents have not been nearly so Christlike as you have been, and I realize even more now how lucky I am that you're my dad. I know this is not easy for you. I know that in many ways throughout my life I have pursued things that are different from what you would have chosen and in some cases what you advised me to do. No doubt some of this has been puzzling for you, and I'm afraid I've ended up saving the most puzzling thing of all for last. But I am so grateful for your consistent support through it all.

My third reason for coming out is that I realized I had a responsibility to speak out not only for my own peace of mind and heart, but also to use whatever voice and skills I had to make sure that those around me and who come after me don't have to endure what I did. John Donne said no man is an island, and you know that when you have kids all perspectives change. You stop thinking of yourself as an independent, free-standing entity, and you start to realize that you are actually a link in a chain that stretches far back in time and will continue on far into the future. I believe each of us has a responsibility to live so as to improve the lives of those we love and all those around us whom our influence can reach. This extends beyond our own family and circle of friends. I am nobody famous or special, but like everyone else I do have a small measure of skill in certain things, and I have a responsibility to use those skills for the benefit of those around me. You always said that despite my surface cynicism I had Mom's loving heart, and you were right. And it's because of that, because in the last year I have come to love and care for so many whom I've met as a result of coming out, that I can no longer sit idly by, fearful in my own closet, without protesting and doing my best to fight the prejudice, ignorance, harmful myth-mongering, and discrimination I grew up with, so that my gay brethren and sisters in the future will not have to endure what I did.

You've talked about the legacy of alcoholism in our family down the generations and how at some point somebody has to stand up and say "I'll take the hit, I'll bear the brunt of this, but it has got to stop with me. No future generations will be hurt by this in the way I was." And that's exactly what I've decided to do with this issue, Dad. Not just with our immediate family, but for everyone else whose lives I can reach and in every social circle I touch. This includes the Church. I am no longer silently acquiescing to the hurt and shame and misery that ignorance (often innocent, but ignorance nonetheless) perpetuates. I'm going to spend the rest of my life speaking out, advocating, fighting for understanding and tolerance and acceptance because I believe the Savior would have me do nothing less.

As I said before, I retain my faith in the principles of the gospel. But if we are to judge things by their fruits as the Savior said, then in all good conscience I can't go along with the Church's efforts to deny to so many all of the benefits of marriage purely because of this one unchangeable characteristic I share with them. By seeking to prohibit that option, the Church perpetuates all the pathologies it preaches against, and not only for its own members but for everyone else. The Church makes it impossible for God's gay children to adhere to the very standards of morality that it then condemns them for violating. How is this fair, or Christian? The Church's fight against marriage equality seems directly repugnant to the Doctrine & Covenants' affirmation that we do not believe it is right to mingle religious influence with civil government. As such, I cannot accept that these efforts by the Church are inspired. There is ample precedent in Church history for change and even revelation to come as a result of efforts and advocacy and questions and debates and discussions from within the membership. This is where I see myself serving in the Church for the rest of my life, so that future Davids and Brians and Scotts and Michaels and Troys and Drews and Christophers and Jacobs and Steves and Bens and Austins and Todds and Daniels and more like them will not have to go through what all of us have. Yes, those are all real people, all priceless friends who grew up like I did and who share my perspectives.

Coming out was one of the most frightening things I've ever done. But now, 14 months later, I still can hardly believe how much happier I am. How much more peaceful. The hurricane inside is gone, my heart is calm and quiet. I'm no longer two mortal enemies struggling silently inside and ripping my spirit apart in the process, suffering completely alone in fear of my own family and friends. I am just me, one unified, contented, honest boy who has faced squarely who and what he is, and has found a new level of courage and purpose. It is a miracle that for most of my life I never thought possible. I hope you can be happy for me, Dad, like I said before, you and mom always just wanted us to be happy, and with me at least, you've got your wish.

Love
Your son

To Be A Jerk, Or Not To Be A Jerk

It's Saturday night and ideally I should be out partying. Instead, I'm home for one precious full day, catching up on a thousand domestic details, doing laundry, and re-packing for tomorrow's flight. But the lure of blog surfing is strong, and I just ran across one that prompted some uncomfortable self-examination.

Through a series of clicks from Facebook I found myself here. I wanted to see what kind of blog was maintained by an LDS woman who said elsewhere "Yes on 8. This isn't about hate. It's just about defining marriage between a man and a woman. I don't hate anyone. The LDS church does not believe in hate. They do believe in marriage being between a man and a woman." I was honestly curious to find out about someone who would so blithely say that with such apparent innocence. It sounded so innocuous when she put it like that. So simple.

But I've been around long enough to know that nothing in life is that simple. So I read through several pages of the blog produced by this person who seems to think it is. I wanted to see what else of herself she had revealed. And guess what.

I found her blog utterly revolting. It actually made me nauseous. I'm not kidding. It was so cutesy artsy-fartsy, so sweetness & light & kittens & lollipops, so high fashion decorating brought to you by Target home furnishings designers, so desperate to be poetic, so tantalizing in its tiny little snapshots of her life and thoughts so perfectly staged but utterly superficial, that I finally had to stop reading. I had just eaten dinner, after all.

Then as I sat trying to recover my gastronomical equilibrium, I thought "Wait a minute. Am I just being a massively uncharitable jerk here? Did I loathe that slog through an online California version of a Mormon Handicrafts store because of how my perspective on the Church has changed over the last year? If I profess to be a follower of the Savior despite my differences of opinion on certain issues with the institutional church, should I allow myself to think or feel this way about someone I've never met? Or would I have felt that way regardless? If I'm going to walk the talk, then I have to correct myself too if I realize I'm not doing it. So where does this one fall on the scale?"

Some uncomfortable self-reflection ensued, and I figured it out.

I didn't react like this because of how my opinions have changed over the past year. I have always detested superficiality and shallowness. Like Emerson said, "Give me truths, for I am weary of the surfaces." And while I try to be charitable, it is sometimes difficult to do with people who seem either satisfied with shallow superficiality or unwilling to consider that there might be more to things than meets their eye. And Mormon culture, especially the feminized version of it that's taken hold over the last 20 years or so, often tends to emphasize appearances and outward conformity. So when I see content like this woman's blog that reveals a person so supremely self-assured in her apparent superficiality, so completely content to be a mile wide and an inch deep, and then I see her blithely opining in just a few sentences on a socio-political and cultural issue that has profound effects for countless lives when it seems clear those effects have never even occurred to her, well I get angry. And nauseous.

If that truly is the best she can do, then of course I must be charitable. I've said many times that everyone is at a different point on the path. But the fact that she has a blog, the evident time and care she has lavished on it, on so carefully arranging its every element as if it were a massively intricate Relief Society lesson tabletop, tells me that this is not a person bereft of capacity to think. Yet the result of all that time and energy and care remains so startlingly pretentious and saccharine that I am almost speechless. How could so much effort result in so little substance?

So I'm satisfied that coming out hasn't made me into an angry jerk. I've always been impatient with kitsch and with people who presume to opine on difficult subjects without a shred of effort to understand them. Especially when there are so many of them and collectively they are capable of injuring others with their ignorance at the ballot box, while denying any responsibility for those results. I think it's the crashing disconnect between such sweetness and light on the one hand, and the unbelievable ignorance of the issue and the terrible effects that people like her have on so many others--that's what made me recoil and nearly lose my dinner.

I hope I don't sound like a total jackass here. I tried really really hard not to be, and I tried really really hard to understand where this woman was coming from. I know there will always be people like her, and I know that for a lot of them stuff like her blog really is all meant in good faith. Fine, I get that. It's not my cup of tea, but if it makes her happy, God bless her. But when that superficiality in the aggregate ends up setting public policy and denying countless numbers of God's children legal rights & protections they should in all fairness have, that's when my patience runs out.

Saturday Humor

Bullseye Series, Chapter Three

Thanks to Paul Swenson, guest blogger over at Mormon Matters (see my sidebar below) for this gem.









The Whole Enchilada

So what?
So, what if
I’m one of those
cafeteria Mormons?
No offense.
More like it
makes some sense,
since my Mormor
(Swedish for
maternal grandmother)
ran a cafeteria,
and had to forgo
coffee (drinking it,
serving it)
just to join
the Mormon church.

Just because
she gave up caffeine
didn’t miss her chance
(between husbands)
to answer life’s
tough questions.
To pick and choose
to make a living.

“Smart,” my mother
said of Mormor –
“smart businesswoman.”
That was before
the patriarchy
gave their wives
the business
about a woman’s role.
Coffee rolls (kaffebullar)
were what my Mormor
baked and sold.

Sorry, whole different
time now, but an old
story. Comes
to spiritual food,
cannot order
manna
off the menu.
“No substitutes,”
my waiter scoffs.
I complain –
Maitre d’ informs
me it is the chef’s
night off. Wrong
venue — “this is
no cafeteria.”

Not as if
I object to eating
vegetables.
But if every bite
is planned for me,
might lose
the nerve
for that unique
hors d’oeuvre –
free agency. Takes
the edge off
appetite.

Say I appreciate
the main course, yet
cannot swallow
everything –
therefore leave some
garnish on my plate.
Would the omission
seal my fate — damnation
for my soul? No
satisfaction? Nada?
Forgive me if I take
the risk. Refuse to eat
the enchilada, whole.

Thank You Maine

Dear Maine Majority Voters:

Thank you. Seriously. I mean it. So many have so much to thank you for.

Thank you for confirming that some things in life never change, including the fact that ignorance can be nearly impossible to eradicate despite relentless, repeated doses of new knowledge and pleas to progress for everyone's benefit.

Thank you for continuing the great American tradition of trying to infect secular law with religious bigotry and for showing those of us capable of distinguishing between the two that we still have a lot of work ahead of us.

Thank you for proving I was right to worry that, even in Maine which allegedly prides itself on insular independence, too many of you are susceptible to the cynical pre-packaged politics of fear imported from outside your state by mercenaries who sell their amoral silver tongues to whoever can pay.

Thank you for giving a dose of reality to thousands of your fellow citizens who have now learned the hard way that many of their neighbors will go out of their way to prevent them and their kids from having the same legal stability most take for granted.

Thank you for teaching the children of those families that they and their parents have a place in American history: the same place as the families of African-American slaves before the Civil War with no legal status and which were ignored by the "masters" who broke them up at will with impunity, convinced it was their right to do so.

Thank you for teaching those kids that when they get older, they can never take legal guarantees of equality for granted and must fight you and your perniciously prejudiced kind with every ounce of strength, every hour of every day, every day of every year for as long as they have breath. God willing, you have just forged the next generation of pro-equality activists within your own citizenry who will not stop fighting until your brand of bigotry is dead, dead, dead.

Thank you for confirming the consistency of human nature in clinging furiously to prejudices with no rational basis, just because they are familiar, comfortable, and require none of the work or thought or worrisome self-questioning that progress always demands.

Thank you for saving me and many others expensive plane fares, since I and countless other Americans will now vote with our wallets and will stay away from a state so demonstrably hostile to basic fairness and equality, despite its own rhetoric. We can now relinquish you to what you obviously want to remain: a hard to reach, off the beaten track backwater, determined to resist any leadership role and content to stay at the back of the cultural bus.

Thanks for giving those who hoodwinked you another reason to demonstrate their insufferable arrogance on a national stage, so that we who oppose them will be re-energized to continue fighting the hubris that thinks it has the right to tell all Americans who and how to love.

I promise you, Maine majority voters, that you are on the losing side in a much bigger battle. You may have fended off fairness, equality and justice for now, but those tides cannot be stopped. Your re-enactment of California's Proposition 8 will have the same effect as it did on the other coast. You have only injected new energy and new determination into the hearts of those who will one day drag your state, kicking and screaming along with others, into the sunlight of the equality and fairness that the Constitution and our national sense of justice demands.

It's not over.

Answering The Question I'm Sure To Get

This Saturday is Halloween. Since I'm cheap, I'm not going to invest in some bizarro costume like a nun wearing a rainbow flag habit. Instead, I will wear my distinguished full formal kilt suit to Scott's party. Spare me the jokes about everyone else there being jealous that I'm wearing a skirt. Because it's not a skirt, it's a kilt, and kilt is what happened to the last guy who called it a skirt, okay?

It is of course an eternal law that whenever I or any other guy with the confidence to wear a kilt goes out in public, we get questions about what's underneath. So all of you who see me on Saturday, save yourself the effort. Here's my answer.

Your Chance To Talk To My Dad

As many of you know, I recently came out to my father. He was kind and charitable in many ways, for which I am grateful.

He has also said some things and asked some questions that confirm (1) he still has some serious reservations, and (2) he knows very little about the whole subject.

He's a retired Army officer and has always been very big on taking personal responsibility and initiative. So somehow, even though I never mentioned it, he's gotten stuck on the issue of what he calls "a genetic connection." That ought to be fairly easy to answer, the scientific literature about potential genetic connections is widely available.

He said the last news story he paid any attention to about this whole issue was when "the gay community" tried to have a law passed in California that would have prohibited therapists from talking to clients about "returning to a straight life style because about 80% return." He said if there really were a genetic connection, there would have been no need for any law to stop anyone from talking about that option.

Obviously I need to update him on this issue, and that should be fairly easy. But does anyone recall anything about such legislative efforts by the California "gay community"? I've never heard of this before and am not finding anything about it. If anyone knows what he's talking about, please tell me!

In our correspondence over the last week he has also repeatedly used the phrase "chosen the gay life style." He encouraged me not to "demonize the Brethren and their counsel with regard to this choice you have made." To which I responded "please clarify what you mean by choice and by lifestyle, because being gay is not a choice."

Here's his clarification: " One, the people who I know who have declared themselves to be gay have a significant other of the same sex, they live together, their social life is predominately with people with the same sexual orientation, when they live together they have intimate sexual relations with each other, some in abnormal ways; Two, they spend time with their extended families, however, unlike you, they have not been married in the heterosexual relationship and do not have children. I am sure that some have been married and have kids, but  I would think that most have not; Three, those who have made that choice to come out live the balance of their lives in a pretty typical and normal way as most of the rest of us."

I'm basically going to tell him that there are as many ways to be gay as there are people, but if he took the sexual orientation aspect out of his description he would find that it is exactly the same as what straight people tend to want and seek out in order to have fulfilling lives. So why should any of that disturb him?

And lastly, he asked a crucial question, on which I would welcome any input before I respond, because my answer has to be rock solid and so self-evident that there is no quarreling with it:

"If this life-style is not what you intend, or having a significant other for a companion is not part of what you intend to do, then why did you decide to come out?"

So, everyone, here's your chance to talk to my dad. Feel free to post comments or even send me a direct e-mail, if your thoughts are too long for a comment, and reply to his comments and questions. He is intellectually honest and will respect good faith, solidly grounded input and opinions from others, as well as new information to learn from. How would you respond to him if you were me?

A Maine Patriot's Voice

Law School for Non-Lawyers 101: Today's Topic, Alleged Civil Rights

In his recent speech at BYU Idaho, senior Mormon Apostle Dallin Oaks, a former law school dean and Utah Supreme Court justice, identified marriage equality as an "alleged civil right" which he then pooh-poohed as fiction.

I dissent. Here's why. And more to the point, here's why Elder Oaks should know he's wrong too.

In order to determine whether marriage equality is a real or an "alleged" civil right, first we have to define "civil right."

A "civil right" is defined by Black's Law Dictionary as "personal, natural rights guaranteed and protected by Constitution: e.g. freedom of speech, press, freedom from discrimination, etc. Body of law dealing with natural liberties, shorn of excesses which invade equal rights of others."

In 1803, the United States Supreme Court stated the principle that "It is emphatically the province and duty of the Judicial Department [the judicial branch] to say what the law is." (Marbury v. Madison, 5 U.S. (1 Cranch) 137 (1803)). This is a fundamental premise of all American law. A state or Federal supreme court's interpretation of the state or Federal Constitution is final; the court's decision is itself law as to the particular question at issue. Dallin Oaks knows this.

In 1967, the United States Supreme Court stated by unanimous decision that laws against mixed race marriages were unconstitutional and that marriage was a "basic civil right" (Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1 (1967)). As a decision of the United States Supreme Court, this principle applies to all fifty states. Dallin Oaks knows this.

In 2008, the California Supreme Court, which has ultimate authority to interpret the California Constitution, stated that marriage was a "fundamental right" under Article 1 of that Constitution (In Re Marriage Cases (43 Cal.4th 757 (2008)). It held that any law treating persons differently because of their sexual orientation should be subjected to the highest level of strict scrutiny and that the existing "California legislative and initiative measures limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples violate the state constitutional rights of same-sex couples and may not be used to preclude same-sex couples from marrying." Dallin Oaks knows this. I have no doubt he's read the Court's opinion.

Yet in his speech at BYU Idaho, he ignored this settled legal precedent and persisted in dismissing marriage equality as an "alleged" civil right. This was dishonest. It was not and is not an "alleged" right. It is an actual right. In California, marriage equality met every recognized qualification for a bona fide civil right. Dallin Oaks knows this. As a lawyer and an officer of the court, he has a professional obligation to acknowledge as much. Yet, knowing he was speaking to an international audience, he said the opposite. I understand that he and many others believe that marriage is by definition man/woman and that anything else is simply not "marriage" per se. But Elder Oaks has a professional obligation to uphold and state the law accurately regardless of his religious persuasion. And marriage equality has met all legal tests for a bona fide civil right. Elder Oaks knows this. Yet he still derides it as "alleged."

Bad form, counselor. You know better. I am very disappointed. And I dissent.

Bullseye Series, Chapter Two

If God Had Wanted Me To Be Accepting Of Gays, He Would Have Given Me The Warmth And Compassion To Do So
By Jane Kendricks
The Onion
October 13, 2009

I don't question God. The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall put none above Him. Which is why I know that if it were part of God's plan for me to stop viciously condemning others based solely on their sexual preference, He would have seen fit—in His infinite wisdom and all—to have given me the tiniest bit of human empathy necessary to do so.

It's a simple matter of logic, really. God made me who I am, and who I am is a cold, anti-gay zealot. Thus, I abhor gay people because God made me that way. Why is that so hard to understand?

Here, let's start with the basic facts: I hate and fear gay people. The way they feel is different from how I feel, and that causes me a lot of confusion and anger. Everyone knows God is all-powerful. He could easily have given me the capacity to investigate what's behind those feelings rather than tell strangers in the park they're going to hell for holding hands. But God clearly has another path for me. And who am I to question His divine will?

Compassion, tolerance, understanding, basic decency, the ability to put myself in another person's position: God could have endowed me with any of those traits and yet—here is the crucial part—He didn't. Why? Because the Creator of the Universe wants me to demonize homosexuals in an effort to strip them of their fundamental human rights.

I'm sorry, but you can't possibly ask me to explain everything God does. He works in mysterious ways, remember?

Try to understand. If I were capable of thinking and acting any other way, then I'm sure I would, but God seems to be quite adamant about this one. He's just not budging at all. So unless our almighty Lord and Savior decides to change His mind about my ability to empathize on even the most basic level—which I find highly unlikely—then everyone is just going to have to accept the fact that I'm going to keep on hating homosexuals. And I know that He will fill me with the strength to remain mindless and hurtful in the face of adversity.

Which isn't to say that my faith hasn't been tested. Believe me, there have been times when I've drifted from the bitter and terrified life God has chosen for me. When my younger brother told me he was gay, it shook my faith to its very core. But here I am, 27 years later, still refusing to take his calls. Just the way God intended.

It's actually pretty astonishing how many complaints to the school board you can make regarding the new band teacher you've never met when you are filled with the Light of Christ and devoid of any real kindness or mercy toward His other children.

At the end of the day, I'm just trying to lead a good Christian life. That means going to church on Sunday, following the Ten Commandments, and fighting what I believe to be a sexual abomination through a series of petty actions and bitter comments made under my breath. Sure, I sometimes wish God would just reach into my heart and give me the ability to treat all people with, at the very least, the decency and respect they deserve as human beings. But unfortunately for that new couple who moved in three houses down, He hasn't yet.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have God's work to do.

Where I Am

Once again, and for the last time for a while, stone arches soar above my head. Jeweled tapestries of stained glass shimmer all around me, the waning autumn sunlight making them glow with a cool serenity, the arches, columns, crossbeams and vaults of the cathedral walls & ceiling slowly slipping into shadows of pale and darker greys as the outside light gradually fades. The huge sanctuary is reverent, quiet, with only a handful of worshipers sitting silently in the pews here and there, reflecting, meditating, seeking their Creator. People just like me.

It is my last Sunday at Grace Cathedral. It's also National Coming Out Day, and a good time to reflect on the question "Where am I?"

Coming out just a little over a year ago was one of the most momentous events of my life. It changed everything: my sense of self, my every waking mood, my circle of friends, my relationship with my kids, my faith, my hopes and desires and goals for the rest of my life. It gave me courage and confidence I didn't know I had, since it was something that for a long time I never dared do.

It made me into more of the Christian that I had always claimed to be but really wasn't. I no longer pretended to be a tolerant, non-judgmental person while still privately condemning those whose choices I would not have made myself. Suddenly I found it was easy to befriend, treat kindly, and learn to love without reservation many whom I might before have avoided and judged harshly. The Savior said "by their fruits ye shall know them," and for this reason alone coming out has been a good thing, because it gave me a greater capacity for the pure love of Christ.

Having always pretended to be straight, and growing up in a traditional secure, conservative, white, upper middle class Mormon home, I had never really known what it was to be part of a minority that was systematically discriminated against, harassed, misunderstood, condemned, targeted by punitive legislation, stereotyped, catcalled, ostracized, bullied, beaten up, and sometimes put at risk of life. Honesty with myself and with my Creator has now put me into that category, where I'll stay for as long as I live. I am now pledged to spend the rest of my life fighting against all such injustice. I would rather live honestly and with integrity as a gay man, facing all of that, than perpetuate the charade, the facade that hid my former cowardice and the furious duel inside myself which has now ended, overtaken with sweeter peace of mind than I ever thought possible. That peace of mind, that honesty and integrity will help see me through any challenges I may face as a result of being truthful.

T. S. Eliot, one of the wisest men of the 20th Century, wrote while sitting in a deserted chapel's pale winter failing light that "history is a pattern of timeless moments". And here I sit too, in the waning, almost-winter light of a vast, almost deserted cathedral, thinking of the timeless moments I've experienced here and during the past year. Because the assignment that brought me to this city began only a few months after I came out, I have spent the majority of my post-coming out life in and near the place where more of God's gay children have gathered than just about anywhere else in the country. I have seen and learned much, lofty and grim, ennobling and unnerving, inspirational and disheartening. It has been a matchless growing experience.

So what have I learned, and where am I now? What have been the timeless moments of learning and realization?

I've learned that my faith and testimony are truly my own responsibility. That I can't trust or depend on any organization or any other person to carry me along to where I need to go. I must actively search for my own path and the inspiration to find what God would have me do and become. I must constantly question everything, even myself and my own beliefs, if I am really willing to accept new truth, light and knowledge from whatever source I may be shown. This is sometimes not comfortable, but it is necessary.

I have learned that I don't know very much, that I am not particularly wise, and that constant examination of my own life and study of the words of great and wise men should never stop.

I have learned that it's better to stand alone with integrity and honesty than to huddle with a group at the cost of truth.

I have learned that the price of such integrity can sometimes be agonizingly high, and that hate, fear, misunderstanding and ignorance can sometimes blind even the most well-intentioned.

I have learned to forgive myself and others more easily, knowing that ultimately I will be in great need of much forgiveness too.

I have learned that there are few joys in life greater than to reach out in love to try to lift up the hands that hang down and strengthen the feeble knees, sometimes on the spur of the moment. I am no anchor of strength; I am as fallible as most and more than many, but coming out has made it possible for me to serve in ways more fulfilling than almost anything else I have ever done. I am humbled and almost overwhelmed by the opportunities I've had, by what I've learned from so many, and by the love and acceptance I've received. In the past I've sat up front at church, I've run meetings, I've "presided," and all of that is nothing compared to the depth of satisfaction that comes from touching heart to heart, from the luck of being the one who helps change tears to smiles, who perhaps gives a little hope, trusting and praying that when the tears or the despondency are mine, what I've cast on the water will come back to me somehow. I wish I had an embrace wide enough and words warm enough to express how much I love so many I have come to know this past year.

I have learned that there are as many ways to be gay as there are gay people. That sexual orientation is, in the larger scheme of things, a very small part of who someone is. That it changes nothing about someone's fundamental hopes, aspirations, joys, griefs, desires for happiness or intimacy. That stereotypes may sometimes be partly accurate for some as a group but are fatal as a tool for individual assessment.

I have learned that faithfulness, fidelity, self-respect, self-restraint, charity and tolerance are crucial to lasting happiness. I have walked down Castro Street and been saddened almost to tears as I see the results of other choices in so many hardened, grim, world-weary faces who seem constantly to be searching for they know not what. They are the perfect embodiments of the "hollow men" T.S. Eliot also spoke of. Yet I also know that each is a child of God whom He loves as much as He loves me, and I must try to treat them accordingly.

I have learned that life is a grand adventure, that every day is a gift to be treasured and used to its fullest. I have lost youth's illusion that I am immortal; I have a finite number of days ahead and I want every one of them to be filled with life, laughter, love, learning, work, and service. I want to wear out, not rust out.

I have learned that miracles occur sometimes when we least expect them, and that gratitude for them and for the blessings of daily life is a key to happiness. Knowing this makes me eager for each day to begin since I never know what surprises or even miracles might happen.

And lastly, I have somehow learned as never before how much God loves me and all of His children. When I finally had the courage to come out to Him in prayer and the answer was "I know what you are, and I approve," I was transformed. I understood the depth of His love for me just as I was, even with this part of me I'd always been told was a fatal flaw. Now I know it is simply part of His design for me and my life. And I am as grateful for it as for anything else I have: my children, my work, my friends and family, my health. Despite what some LDS leaders theorize, I pray that Alan, God's gay son, will always remain that way, because acknowledging that blessing and being true to myself has brought me happiness and fulfillment I never imagined before.

I look up again. The light has faded further and the vaults far above my head are shrouded in semi-darkness. Faint harmonies echo through the cathedral as a choir begins preparation for evening service. The jeweled windows are less vivid now, but they still glow richly against the dark grey of the stone walls as the faintest scent of incense still hangs in the air. This place has become part of my history, my journey. Right now is another in my own pattern of timeless moments as the light fades, the candles flicker, the harmonies echo through the reverence and the soaring stone arches. I have felt the Savior's love here, have been refreshed here, recharged, grounded, inspired, energized to go back out into the world and continue the adventure.

I don't know where it will take me, but I am eager for the journey.

Service Project

On 25th February 2000 Stuart Matis drove to the Los Altos chapel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and took his own life in despair and frustration over the Mormon Church's treatment of its gay members.

Almost ten years later, remembering Stuart and hoping to do something to prevent any more of such tragedies, I drove to that same chapel and inaugurated its participation in the 1st Annual Nationwide You Are Loved Chalk Message Project. The Project is simple: the week before National Coming Out Day on 11 October, draw messages of love and encouragement on (mostly) school sidewalks, e.g. "You are loved," "You are wonderful." Gay kids can't hear enough of that. Maybe if Stuart had heard more of it he'd still be with us.

Statistically there are thousands of Stuarts growing up all around us. If there is one who attends the LDS Los Altos chapel, then by now he or she will have seen the messages and, one hopes, looked up the URL also drawn on the sidewalk by the chapel entrance where the kids usually go in. And maybe he/she will be a little more confident that somebody out there understands and cares and loves and accepts him/her just the way God made them. And won't leave us the way Stuart did. You're not broken. You don't need fixing.

I Like . . . Horses?

Despite its predominant theme this blog is not just the home of Johnny One Note. I do have a life outside online advocacy and it is sometimes hysterically funny. Herewith one such thing. I honestly don't remember where I got this, and it is so clever that I do wonder if it's authentic or just a really good fake. As a father of young kids I can assure you this kind of thing does in fact happen, so it may be authentic. Who knows. But regardless, it's hilarious. Enjoy.

Bullseye Series, Chapter One

With this post I am inaugurating what I'll call The Bullseye Series, in which I will shamelessly borrow and pass along what I consider particularly insightful, prescient, succinct, accurate, and/or wise commentary gleaned from elsewhere in the blogosphere.

Today's first installment in the series comes from a commenter over at the Mormon Matters thread discussing Bruce Hafen's speech to Evergreen. I've edited the comment slightly to correct technicalities and emphasize key points.

Elder Hafen’s remarks have several ethical problems. First, like all Church leaders who speak on the topic he reduces homosexuality to physical acts / attractions. Second he is willing to speak for, and in place of the other. These two are closely related.

It's amazing to me that it needs to be said over and over again that homosexual folks are [simply] seeking to forge the same trusting, interdependent, spiritually and emotionally intimate relationships that heterosexuals are. Homosexuality and heterosexuality will always both be about far more than sexual acts. They are both about being in a relationship.

Hafen won’t allow gay people to describe their own lives and the meaning of their sexuality because he believes he already knows it. For him the institutional discourse of the LDS Church has far more meaning and descriptive power than the lives and experiences of gay folks. This is what makes gay rights exactly the same as other civil rights struggles: it's a clash between [1] an empowered group believing it has the right and authority to define the meaning and nature of another group’s being [and (2) the target group which objects to and disagrees with the empowered group's erroneous and harmful definition and the misuse of that definition to keep the target group in an inferior position.]

During women’s suffrage men continually defined women as irrational and intellectually inferior. Throughout the ugly history of slavery and Jim Crow, whites continually asserted that the nature of blackness was to be violent, dumb and lazy. In both cases religious arguments were brought in to justify prejudice. The same exact structure is found in the remarks of many LDS Church leaders [about homosexuality].

I just don’t see where Christian / Mormon ethics and theology allow us to use difference for the sake of degradation, or allow us to assert that we have the power and authority to definitively speak about the meaning and nature of someone else’s existence.

Compassion, empathy, and love are born out being in genuine relationship with others. They are not [and should not be accepted as simply] a veneer applied to our remarks as we assert our power and redefine the experiences of others to meet our own needs.

Being Your Own Best Friend

Abe dared us all to write about The Big M. Okay, I'll rise to the occasion. I'm not a jack of all trades but this topic I think I know a little bit about.

I first discovered it completely on my own when I was about 13. I was sitting on the sofa reading a book. When I shifted positions, hmmm. What just happened? Bit of a zing there. Curious. Nobody had ever told me anything about this. I tried it again. Zing, again. Hey what was that? I sat still and tried to solve the mystery, and realized something else was going on in a particular locale where I'd never noticed anything before. Gee, I didn't know I had a pressure cooker built in there. This was weird. To this day I have no idea how, but I just knew instinctively that something had to get out. So I went into the bathroom, and 30 minutes later emerged wide-eyed and giggling.

[excuse me, I have a quick staff meeting]

Okay, I'm back. Where was I? Oh yeah, getting in touch with myself. Well, as any normal boy would, I quickly became an expert. And soon ran into the full barrage of guilt from on high in Salt Lake, filtered through well-meaning, obedient but (I've since concluded) innocently clueless local leaders. So I did my best to refrain from hand to gland combat and went without for long stretches sometimes, but I never pulled it off completely. And the Church-sponsored guilt was incredible. Kimball's Mirage of Forgiveness set me back years in terms of spiritual confidence. Sometimes I still want to go buy a copy of that book just so I can burn one particular chapter atop a big pile of crumpled Kleenexes. Most Mormons don't know about Kip Eliason who killed himself out of Church-imposed guilt that he couldn't stop. Horrific. The Church deserved to pay every penny Eliason's dad sued it for.

[excuse me again, now I have to go walk the dog]

Okay, back again. So the mission comes (oops) and goes, I make it through without a single "slip up" except for that one time when my MTC companion remarked the next morning about the little earthquake he thought he felt during the night (slight bunkbed tremor). I'm thinking wow, I must be Superman. Can I sustain this? Answer: LOL! Finally I get married and experience "the real thing", but guess what. I also discover that spouses of the Mormon female persuasion often grow up with even more unnecessary Church-sponsored guilt and hang-ups than the boys do. Fortunately I have coping skills. Said spouse's sanity eventually goes kablooey, and your humble correspondent finds himself single once again. And this time re-examining lots of things in light of little son who will someday be sitting on a sofa when something suddenly goes zing, and by that time I'd bloody well better be more equipped to deal with the issue (oops) than my dad and church leaders were.

[sorry for the interruption, I have to go rope the pony]

So I start reading and researching. What is really the basis for all this autoerotophobia? I'll spare you the details of the process, but the climax was finding a lengthy, thoroughly researched scholarly article about the entire history of official LDS treatment of The Big M. I learned that "official" pronouncements about it had been all over the map since the first mention in the 1870's which was right in line with the hysterical and hysterically false Victorian notions of the time, through the 1920's when Church publications were a lot less stiff about it and merely counseled parents to discuss it with their kids so it didn't get out of hand, and then the pendulum swung back again with the advent of Spencer Kimball, Mark Peterson, and Boyd Packer's seminal Little Factory speech which re-ignited a firestorm of new guilt in new generations of otherwise normal fine upstanding Peter Priesthoods, and now it seems that Church publications are going softer again. My hero-worshiping nephew says he's never heard a word about it in his incredibly conservative ward.

[sorry for another interruption, I have to clean a rifle]

OK, back again. My conclusions from all this? Real true gospel truth doesn't fluctuate like that. Only possible logical conclusion? I had the bad luck to come along at a time when a handful of church leaders were force-feeding us all a diet of personal prejudice cloaked in the mantle of authority, masquerading as gospel truth despite the total absence of any Scriptural basis for it.

Result for me? I won't beat around the bush. More loss of trust in LDS leaders and increased attention to identifying the philosophies of men mingled with scripture. The loss isn't complete, but the trust is now much more narrowly focused and placed. Outside that shrinking circle, I take full responsibility for my own judgments and conclusions, based on the best reasoning, study, and inspiration I can find. Oh, and while I am of course decorous, I have completely lost all that old paranoia and become the most laid-back, tolerant, open, frank, unshockable, unprudish person you will ever meet. SO much healthier.

And my final judgment now tells me that, as long as it doesn't become an obsessive addictive behavior, The Big M is a delightful part of being a boy. God's way of keeping us chaste until we're married (and after). Honestly, it seems to me a demonstration of the staggering creative genius of God; imagine how much He must love us, to give us the capacity to feel like that! And the intelligence to conceive of such a thing and then create it. Are there words to describe it? No! But what an incredible celebration! And it's portable, too! Not to mention heart-healthy and good for warding off prostate cancer. And how can we love others unless we love ourselves first, right?

[excuse me, but darn it, that monkey just won't behave, I'm gonna have to spank it]

When I was a kid I was so frightened of even the mention of The Big M that I learned to lie to the bishop when he asked about it. You might say I learned to beat the bishop at his own game. Now, complete about face. Aforementioned little son is now not quite so little, he knows all about it, knows what to expect (well, theoretically), and knows he is in for a rollicking good time. Like tasting every flavor in a banana split in every cell of your body, a million times magnified. But warmer. He has none of the hang-ups or prudery I had, he is going to grow up happy and healthy and well-adjusted and confident in himself and delighted with this gift God gave him. He also knows that if any prying bishop asks him anything about this topic, he is to tell said bishop to butt out, he doesn't discuss it with anyone but his dad, and if said bishop has any more questions he's to talk to dad. And God help that bishop if he actually follows up with me.

So that's the long & short of it from here. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go change the oil. And then practice the organ. And then the flute . . .

The Town Hall Meeting That Didn't Pass Correlation

Unbeknownst to almost all but those who attended, I recently had the opportunity to host a town hall meeting which brought together a very interesting group of guests to discuss some hot topics with a group of active Latter-day Saints. For reasons that will become apparent, video and audio of this town hall meeting were deep-sixed by its producers who wished to stay in the good graces of the LDS Media Dept. But purely for historical purposes, I am able to present a transcript of the evening's discussion here.

Alan: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, brothers and sisters, this evening our first guest is Mr. Hank Hanegraaf, host of the popular radio show The Bible Answer Man, and well-known expert on the Mormons. Hank, we'll turn it over to you first.

Hank Hanegraaf: Thanks Alan.

You Mormons, you think you're Christian but you're really not. I don't buy all the smiley-faced happy fulfilled Christian lives and good neighbors stuff your PR machine pumps out, I am an expert on you people and I know what you really believe and how you really feel. You actually worship a heretical imitation Jesus concocted by a false prophet with a criminal history and a propensity for stealing other mens' wives and underage girls to satisfy his own lust. He wrote some fake scripture that has no historical proof. You really believe that Adam is God who had sex with Mary to create Jesus. You actually believe that you can be like God and everybody knows that's Satan's original temptation to Adam and Eve. You fell for a tale told by a demon disguised as an angel of light who preached another gospel, so you are accursed just like Paul said. I don't care what you say, I know that you secretly believe your works will save you and get you into heaven. You don't really believe the Bible when it talks about salvation by grace. You're not orthodox, you don't even qualify for the title of Christian because you don't believe in the true Jesus.

True Christians don't care what you say or how much you protest that you are Christian and believe in Jesus and rely on His atonement. We know your so-called testimonies are fabricated subjective feelings and not to be trusted. We are orthodox Christians, we know the real Jesus. You are deceived and you must change. You have to leave the Mormon cult and never touch it again, because if you keep believing and acting like Mormons you are going to hell. Don't bother telling us how Christian you are, because we know you're not. We know you're not really happy, that you're actually miserable, trapped in your Satanic cult. Cult, cult, cult.

Back to you, Alan.

Alan: Well, Mormons, are you offended? I don't know how you couldn't be. Do we have any questions from the audience?

Audience member: Yeah. Mr. Hanegraaf, how do you get your head through doors? You could bottle and sell all that arrogance, presuming to tell the Mormons what they really believe when it's so clear you have a hostile agenda that's bent on attacking and vilifying them at every turn and you have no idea what's truly in their hearts or heads.

Hank Hanegraaf: You are presumptuous and evil. No further comment.

Alan: Thank you for the question. Our next guests are Dr. Dean Byrd, Dr. Jeff Robinson, and special guest Elder LaVon McConkie Christensen Smith of the 49th Quorum of Seventy, who represent NARTH, Exodus International, and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Gentlemen, who'll be your spokesman?

Byrd & Robinson: By all means, Elder Smith. He has the mantle of authority.

Elder Smith: Thank you brethren, you are obviously well-schooled in The Unwritten Order of Things as preached by President Packer.

You gay Mormons may think you were created homosexual but you really weren't. You may think you're happy and fulfilled after coming out of the closet but you're really not. I don't buy all the smiley-faced happy fulfilled lives and good neighbors stuff your PR machine pumps out, I am an expert on you people and I know what you really believe and how you really feel. Being gay is not actually in anybody's DNA because that would contradict the Plan of Salvation. All the professional associations who say homosexuality isn't a mental disorder only changed their minds because of political pressure. Being gay is actually just a temporary earthly affliction like blindness and it will go away when you die. No I won't take any questions about how I know that. Regardless, you have to struggle against it and resist it because if you give into it, you'll be eternally miserable. You mustn't let yourselves fall in love the way you want. I don't care how strong it is or how fulfilling it is or how natural it seems. The Church knows what's really going on here and you don't.

We don't know why God has assigned you to struggle and suffer and grieve and be celibate and lonely your whole life, but that's your fate if you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom so deal. It doesn't matter that I've never experienced your pain and your sorrows and your grief and I don't comprehend your agony, your torture, your burden.



I don't need to. I have the mantle and I know how you really feel. You are fooling yourselves if you think you're happy or fulfilled. So stop smiling and laughing and loving each other and caring for each other and for pete's sake, stop marrying each other. You're not really happy that way. Forget about all that "by their fruits ye shall know them" stuff. It doesn't apply to you.
You have fallen for a tale told by a demon disguised as an angel of light who preaches another gospel and you risk losing your eternal blessings if you follow your heart. Because the Church knows there will never be any more revelation about the Celestial Kingdom, we have it all in Section 132 and there can't be any other model. Too bad, you have to adjust or be damned.

You're not really in love with another guy. You can't be. What you feel isn't really love. It isn't really fulfilling. Your feelings and convictions are fabricated and subjective and not to be trusted.
I and the other General Authorities are the Lord's mouthpieces, we know what you really think. You are deceived and you must change. You have to go to therapy and become straight and leave the gay cult and never touch it again, because if you keep believing and acting gay you are going to hell. Don't bother telling us how happy you are, because we know you're not. All that stuff about pride and happiness and embracing and support and cameraderie and peaceful hearts and a clear view just can't be true. We know you're secretly miserable, trapped in your selfish selfish lives. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Back to you, Alan.

Alan: Dr. Byrd and Dr. Robinson, do you have anything to add?

Byrd & Robinson: No. Except our office phone numbers and 10% off for anyone who signs up tonight and pays in advance for our special package of Pray Away The Gay therapy sessions.

Alan: Thank you gentlemen. Are there any questions from the audience?

Audience Member: Yeah. How come Elder Smith sounds just like the professional Mormon basher when he's obviously agenda-driven and clueless but still says he knows what gay people really think and feel better than they do themselves? Does it not even occur to him that he's just as offensive to gays with that attitude as Hanegraaf is to Mormons, and just about as accurate?

[At this point Church Security entered and hustled the questioner from the room and shut down the presentation]

Thank You Michael

The place: Los Altos LDS chapel. The event: ordinary, I just needed some practice time on the organ and piano. The surprise: Michael.

The organ at the Los Altos chapel is not particularly good, but it was adequate to practice on. I was working my way through a favorite toccata when suddenly a small boy's eager face popped up above the side of the console. Bright blue eyes, tousled blond hair, Cub Scout shirt. I stopped.

Hello, who are you?

Michael! (big smile)

Pleased to meet you Michael. Do you like music?

Yeah! I play too!

How old are you?

Nine.

Would you like to play this organ?

Yeah!!!

Okay, come have a seat.

(Michael sat down next to me)

You know, Michael, I started playing when I was nine too.

Really? Well, actually I started when I was five.

That's funny, because actually I started lessons when I was nine, but I started playing when I was five too.

Wow!

And I used to sneak out of Cub Scouts to go play too.

Really? Wow!

OK, go ahead and play something for me.

I got off the bench and pushed it in close so he could reach the keyboard. Michael instantly began playing something with great enthusiasm, and not without his share of mistakes. But he pressed on regardless. I praised him when he was finished.

That was great, Michael. You're a good player.

Thanks!

At this point Michael's parents appeared, they were in charge of the Cub Scouts that night. They introduced and apologized for his interrupting my practicing. I assured them it was no problem. They said Michael, try playing Happy Birthday.

He did. Again, not without a few mistakes (the organ can be intimidating for a small boy), but he got through it. And it wasn't just a barely contrived imitation either, Michael knew it well, complete with chords in harmonic progression. Clearly he had taken lessons and had practiced.

So I said Slide over Michael, we are going to play a duet. He did. He played the melody, I added basso profundo chords in harmony and the pedals for the full theater organ effect. We played Happy Birthday together and ended with a crash bang flourish. He was practically jumping with excitement to have been part of generating such glorious noise.

His beaming parents said Come on, Michael, we should let him get back to his practicing. So Michael and I shook hands and he went back to the Cub Scouts.

As I watched him walk away I thought of the curious irony I'd just seen. Some years back there was another small blond blue-eyed boy who used to sneak away from church activities to go practice on the organ and piano in his local chapel. He too started playing when he was five, and was taking lessons at nine. He too couldn't resist going in to listen whenever he heard a skilled grown-up practicing on the organ or piano. He too was full of enthusiasm and eagerness to play and wasn't afraid to try music that challenged him. His life ended up filled with amazing musical adventures and he did achieve his dream of playing in some great cathedrals. He also grew up to realize that there were other ways he wasn't like the other boys, and that there was a good chance that boys who sought out music like he did at such an early age might end up liking other boys too, like he did.

So I wondered as I watched a happy, bouncing Cub Scout walk out of the chapel where Stuart Matis left us. What is your destiny, Michael? In you I see myself, years ago. What will your life become? Will you stay with the music? Will you play in the great cathedrals too? Will you too find one day that you like boys perhaps more than the other Cub Scouts do?

God willing, by the time you are a man, I and others will have won some battles and, if you do end up joining our ranks, your life will be easier and smoother than ours have been. We owe it not only to Stuart and Doug and those who've already gone ahead, but to you and the countless other Michaels who are following us. So that your happy smile and infectious enthusiasm and sparkling eyes will stay happy and infectious and sparkling as you grow to manhood, and you'll be able to find your own way and life and happiness in a society that is more ready to welcome you just the way God made you.

Thank you Michael, for letting me see the past and the future together, and for refreshing my resolve.