14 February 2011

It's About Love

Today we'll take a break from the Oaks series.

This is a re-post of my piece from Valentine's Day last year. It got nearly 400 hits, far more than any other post I've ever written. I was encouraged to post it every February 14th and I think that's a pretty good idea. So here goes.

On this Valentine's Day, I wanted to re-visit and clarify something referenced in my last post. The reason will become clear in just a moment. I've decided one thing my correspondent mentioned needs more attention: the huge issue they had with the biomechanics, with "the fit" of genitalia as deciding the morality of being gay. So to that person I'd like to say this.

It's not about sex. Let me repeat. It's not about sex. Getting hung up on that issue puts the cart before the horse. Like I said before, deep down inside, everyone wants love, intimacy, security, appreciation, commitment. Optimally, sex should be a result of all that. True, some treat it like a casual playground activity, but it can and should be so much more: an expression, a manifestation of that love and care and appreciation and commitment. This is true whether a person is gay or straight. The sex is a consequence, at best a corollary. It is not a cause or catalyst.

Understanding this should help my correspondent get over the mental roadblock they have with what they imagine is misfit physiology. They need to understand that one of God's gay sons who truly loves another isn't just fixated on the other guy's equipment. He feels a spark, a connection, a pull like a magnet toward the spirit of the boy he loves. His heart will feel the same warm thrills and his tummy the same butterflies as any straight person would feel for their beloved. He will have hopes and dreams and longings when he thinks about that one special boy that are no different than what my straight correspondent would feel for their special one. He too will be unable to sleep or eat sometimes, preoccupied with thoughts and daydreams about them being together. Not about the sex, just about basking in the glow of the love they share. It is a connection of the heart, the mind, the soul, the spirit.

My correspondent may not be able to comprehend that this is possible between two guys, but I assure you it's true. One can accept that gravity, or relativity, or black holes, do exist and work--obviously--without comprehending just how. I have seen this kind of love, happiness, commitment in many gay couples myself. The love and commitment are obviously there. I've included with this post some pics of two wonderful, delightful friends of mine who will be married later this year. I defy anyone who doesn't have a heart of stone to look in their eyes and not see the delight and happiness and love they have for each other. Only the most sordid minds would look at them and still insist it's just about physical gratification.

So to my correspondent, let me say again on this Valentine's Day. It's not about sex. It's about love.

Update: I was privileged to officiate at Dan & Michael's wedding last June in Massachusetts. It was just as joyful and profound as I expected. They are truly married in every sense of the word, loving and faithful and committed to each other. I've seen lots of M/F married couples who should envy what Dan & Michael have. Why, why, why do so many still refuse to even consider the possibility that this is a good thing? Jesus said we should judge things by their fruits, their results. Dan & Michael are living, breathing evidence that it really is about love, and that same-sex couples not only deserve but are just as capable as straight couples of the commitment and the blessings of marriage.


GeckoMan said...

Thanks for sharing the honest truth, of what this is really all about. What a great reminder. Yes, Dan and Michael are a truly beautiful couple, it just makes my heart glow to look at their happiness.

I just recently finished reading the half-life memoir of Paul Monette, "Becoming a Man." This is a poignant and unfiltered account of the struggles he went through in the closet, trying to come to terms with his gayness. Eventually he fell into a cycle of unsatisfying promiscuous sex, not love, and it took him over a decade until he was able to figure out what he really wanted, to find "the Laughing Man" that he shared his next 17 years with. Sadly, they were both victims of AIDS, but they left behind a trust fund, (see http://www.monettehorwitz.org/) to help eradicate homophobia in our society and culture.

J G-W said...

Thanks, Rob. I'd say you pretty much summed it up.

Sean said...

What absolutely adorable pictures! I'm so jealous... Always a bridesmaid...