Dear Family:
I owe you an apology.
Over the last year or so I have thrown a serious wrench into your expectations and your image of who and what I am. This has been new territory for all of us.
I have had more lead time than you for study, thought, wrestling, debating, and all of that as I've come to terms with being gay and how my life should proceed from here on. It hasn't been my whole life, since for most of my life I was absolutely convinced this was something I must try to kill off and ignore. It's only been in the last couple of years that I've accepted it and planned the rest of life with it in mind. You haven't had quite that long, I know.
And I know it's not fair of me to expect that such a conservative LDS family as ours will be able to change thoughts or opinions on this issue overnight. You all will need time, just as I needed time. So for now, please don't worry about what I said before as far as how I would want a significant other in my life to be treated by the rest of you; there's no such person right now and I don't know when there will be. I never planned to force the issue when it was purely theoretical anyway. Events may play out such that by the time I find him, you all may find your perspectives have actually changed. I think my friend JGW's comment on the prior post is a good one: theory is one thing, but real life experience may prove to be quite different. I hope so.
Meantime, I promise to be more patient. I apologize if I acted badly the other day. I was not prepared for what you said and did not respond in the best way. I recognize that you are all trying to live according to what you believe is right, and I know I must respect that.
I do have one favor to ask. Please, please, please don't refuse to read or listen or learn any more about this topic. The apostle Paul said "prove all things"; that is, investigate, learn, test everything. No exceptions! Please, please, please take his advice, especially about this issue which is now proving to be so crucial to our family unity. Would you at least be willing to talk to a couple of my friends who have been in your exact position? I truly think it would help you feel better.
If there's one thing I learned as I watched Mom battle her illness and slowly slip away from us, it's that the testing and the challenges of life never stop until the very last breath. We really are temporary actors in a play that started long before we stepped onto the stage and which will go on long after we leave. We must each do our best in the role we're given. I know that my coming out has been a challenge for the rest of you and probably will continue to be. But please, please, please don't refuse to learn and investigate and listen to those who've been through this experience.
Growth and change is really hard sometimes. Believe me, I know. I know you are worried, concerned, even fearful of challenges to your beliefs. But remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said: "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. Do the thing you think you cannot do."
Love
Rob
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Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth, more than ruin, more even than death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man. - Bertrand Russell
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It is not the mind of heretics that are deteriorated most, by the ban placed on all inquiry which does not end in the orthodox conclusions. The greatest harm is done to those who are not heretics, and whose whole mental development is cramped, and their reason cowed, by the fear of heresy.
- John Stuart Mill
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Fidelity, charity, generosity, humility and responsibility form the foundation of a Christian life and are the outward manifestation of the inner man.
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if you give up what you want most for what you think you should want more, you'll just end up miserable.
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Straight Americans
need... an educationof the heart and soul. They must understand - to begin with - how it can feel to spend years denying your own deepest truths, to sit silently through classes, meals, and church services while people you love toss off remarks that brutalize your soul.
Bruce Bawer
The Advocate, 28 April 1998
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
- Blaise Pascal
What we insistently desire, over time, is what we eventually become and receive in eternity.
- Neal Maxwell
Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others' opinions drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs
There's nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.
- Hamlet
I am oppressed by the uncertainty of my future, but I cherish the lively hope of seeing my dreams fulfilled, because the Lord cannot place thoughts and desires in a person's soul if He does not really intend to fulfill them, to gratify these longings which He alone has caused.
- Blaise Pascal
What we insistently desire, over time, is what we eventually become and receive in eternity.
- Neal Maxwell
Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others' opinions drown your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” – Steve Jobs
There's nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.
- Hamlet
I am oppressed by the uncertainty of my future, but I cherish the lively hope of seeing my dreams fulfilled, because the Lord cannot place thoughts and desires in a person's soul if He does not really intend to fulfill them, to gratify these longings which He alone has caused.
- Saint Padre Pio
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.
- e. e. cummings
Whose boat drives on and on, and anchored ne'er shall be.
- George Gordon, Lord Byron
The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony.
- Joseph Wirthlin
I have always been unsatisfied with life as most people live it. Always I want to live more intensely and richly. Why muck and conceal one's true longings and loves, when by speaking of them one might find someone to understand them, and by acting on them one might discover oneself?
- Everett Ruess
It’s the loneliest feeling in the world. It’s like walking down an empty street, listening to your own footsteps. But all you have to do is to knock on any door and say ‘If you let me in, I’ll live the way you want me to live and I’ll think the way you want me to think’, and all the blinds will go up and all the doors will open, and you will never be lonely, ever again.
- Henry Drummond in Inherit the Wind by Robert Lee
Marriage is a civil contract. You might as well make a law to say how many children a man shall have, as to make a law to say how many wives he shall have. It would be as sensible to make a law to say how many horses or oxen he shall possess, or how many cows his wife shall milk.
- Brigham Young
Only regret what you don't learn from.
- Chris Taylor
Others sing your life
But now is a chance to shine
And have the pleasure of
Saying what you mean
Have the pleasure of
Meaning what you sing
Oh, make no mistake my friend
All of this will end
So sing it now, sing your life
- Morrissey
"The worst sinners, according to Jesus, are not the harlots and publicans, but the religious leaders with their insistence on proper dress and grooming, their careful observance of all the rules, their precious concern for status symbols, their strict legality, their pious patriotism... the haircut becomes the test of virtue in a world where Satan deceives and rules by appearances." -Hugh Nibley
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"I never thought it was right to call up a man and try him because he erred in doctrine; it looks too much like Methodism and not like Latter-day Saintism. Methodists have a creed which a man must believe or be asked out of their church. I want the liberty of believing as I please, it feels so good not to be trammeled." - Joseph Smith
"I see their knavery, . . . to make an ass of me; to fright me, if they could. But I will not stir from this place, do what they can: I will walk up and down here, and I will sing, that they shall hear I am not afraid." - Midsummer Night's Dream, Act III, Scene 1
"Be unafraid of new ideas for they are as steppingstones to progress. You will, of course, respect the opinions of others but be unafraid to dissent--if you are informed.... Only error needs to fear freedom of expression." - Hugh B. Brown
"Know Thyself." - Socrates, Pythagoras, Heraclitus, and a bunch of other really smart people
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5 comments:
Rob - this is heartbreaking. I hope your family will hear this plea to at least be open to learning more. It seems like so little to ask.
If it's any comfort to you... When I came out to my grandmother, I was astonished when she told me about how she knew a young man in her ward in Pittsburgh in the 1930s who came out as gay, and eventually left for San Francisco when he found little acceptance in his ward. She said she hoped that things had changed since then, and that I would find more acceptance than he did. (My heart started dancing!)
Then she said that she would never, ever accept the idea of gay marriage. (My heart sank.)
Shortly after Göran and I entered into a relationship, my grandmother called me just before a family reunion. She said it was OK for Göran to come to the family reunion, but we would have to lie about the nature of our relationship. We wouldn't be allowed to speak openly about the fact that we were partners and we were to tell the family that we were just roommates. (My heart sank.) I told my grandmother that under those conditions, neither of us could attend the family reunion. She said OK and hung up. (Heart is breaking.)
Five minutes later, my grandmother called back. She was in tears. She apologized for asking me to lie. She told me to come to the family reunion with my partner, no strings attached. She said the family would just have to deal. (Heart is rejoicing!)
A few years later, when Göran and I decided to tie the knot in a formal commitment ceremony, my grandmother flew from Fresno to Minneapolis so that she could be present. I'm not sure she was completely OK with every aspect of it, and she asked a couple of awkward questions (like, "When you two are in bed, which one of you is the man and which one is the woman?" God bless her!). But we were so grateful for her presence. In fact, we were in awe of grandma.
When she died a few years back, I cherished a close relationship with her, and some beautiful memories. She set an incredible example for the rest of the family...
Right now, you get to be in the place of heartbreak and feeling lonely and wondering if your family will ever be the same to you again... I don't envy you. But you are also in a sacred place right now. Treasure the possibilities for growth that are ahead of you...
Your letter is perfect. And, so is John's comment.
Sending good and loving energy your way.
Well done. Some of your family will come around in time, it is rare that no softening of hearts occurs.
Thanks for your letter. If you don't mind, I'm going to plagiarize parts of it in a letter to my family. (It sounds like we have had similar experiences recently.) Despite the current stretch of rough water, I have confidence that all will eventually be well. Faith and patience are the keys.
PS: It was good meeting you at Scott's. I wish I would have taken more of an opportunity to visit with you. Maybe next time.
Heart-wrenching. Hang in there. Know that your friends are cheering for you, even if you are having a rough time with family.
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