Alan Comes Out Again

Tonight I came out to my sister, so far the only one in the family I've told. We went for a long drive and she read a 9 page letter I wrote to her which basically explained the whole story of my life from the time I first realized around age 14 that I might be gay, up till just about a week or so ago. She took a long time to read it while I waited.

Then she embraced me and held me tightly, with tears in her eyes. I smiled and said Why are you crying, there's no need to cry. She wasn't sad. She was touched. She already knew, she said. That's why I chose to come out to this one of my sisters, the others would not have been so intuitive or understanding. What followed was another 90 minutes or so of driving around and talking about much of what I've previously posted about, frustrations, freedoms, the relief of finally being myself. For the first time in my life it was safe to talk with a family member about my feelings, my disappointments, the missionary companion I fell head over heels for, how I couldn't help dreaming of what it'd be like to have a life partner that I could love and make a family with, how blessed I was to have kids who were so totally understanding and accepting, how I prayed that someday the Church would receive more instruction that would fill the huge gaping black hole in our knowledge about this whole issue. Such a relief to feel safe letting all that spill out. We talked about gaydar, about movies and music, about my MoHo friends and Scott's parties, and more. And she understood it all, and shared all my views. No judgment. Just love and acceptance. "I don’t understand it as a concept," she said, "because I'm straight, but I see that this is you and I love you and I know you are a good man who only wants what is good and right." Boy did I luck out in the sister department. What an incredible relief to be able to talk freely about all of this with her!

We were at a big family function earlier this evening with lots of relatives, including some by marriage whom I actually hadn't met before. And when I said "Have I seemed different at all to you lately," she immediately said "Yes!" How, I asked. She said "When you were talking to [certain people] tonight, there was a different spirit about you. I know you're a smart guy and all," she said, "and sometimes in the past that's made you come across as kind of distant. But tonight you were different. You talked to everybody on their level. You were completely approachable and open with no pretenses. You were just a regular guy, open and honest and friendly and accepting of everyone. It was different than you've ever been before."

And I said "Well, now you know why. It's because I've unlocked who I really am and let him out. No more pretenses. I don't feel anymore like I have this relentless pressure to conform to a railroad track of what I have to do and who I have to be. I am so much happier now, I would be surprised if it didn't show through." And she said yes, it did.

We went for milkshakes and talked some more. I made her promise that she wouldn't ask me if I thought any particular guy was hot. She laughed. We headed home, she saying she felt honored that I would trust her with this knowledge, me feeling grateful for her love and understanding and freer than I ever felt before.

I am so blessed.