27 March 2010

iPhones in Sacrament

[Thanks to LDS Brother for the idea that inspired this post.]

Rats, late for church again. And I forgot to do laundry, I hope nobody notices I'm wearing the same white shirt I wore last week. It's not too wrinkled and I only wore it for three hours last time. And the church was air-conditioned. So I should be good.

Oh great, there's an empty seat in the back of the chapel. I'll just slip in there, nobody'll notice I'm late.

[20 minutes later]

Sheesh, these Primary kids' programs are the same every year. Sure all the mommies and daddies like to see their little ones up there droning through the same songs we all learned but OMG it's so boring. I don't have kids, I have to find a partner and then we'd have to find a doctor and a donor before I have my own, so could I get a pass on Primary Program Sundays from now on, I wonder.

Now I know why nobody watches the conductor during the hymns. They start out at age 3 not watching the conductor in Primary. Good thing I have the scriptures on my iPhone, I should just read a little bit.

Oh, wait. There's Grindr. I haven't checked it in days. Hmm. Decisions, decisions. Can anybody see what's on my screen here? No, that folding room divider thing is just behind me, and I'm in a corner. I guess I could sneak a peek to see if there's anybody interesting in the neighborhood. OK, here goes.

O.M.G. ZERO feet away? No picture? And a green dot? O.M.G. Somebody else in this building is on Grindr right now. And we're the only ward in the building. He's gotta be in this chapel too! O.M.G.

Hit the Chat balloon. Hey, r u where I think u r?

Waiting, waiting.

[iPhone vibrates]

OMG yes r u?

Whoa. Who r u?

Who r u? Where r u?

In the back row in the corner!

I can't turn around right now, somebody will see my iPhone screen.

Oh, okay.

Had enough of the Primary songs?

OMG yes, had enough of them when I was in Primary. They seemed so patronizing.

Totally. But I always liked learning the ones about the BoM because we got to look at Arnold Friberg pictures.

I know, right? Only Scott Herman has arms like that.

And this one guy I was with in the MTC. Yowza. Too bad we weren't comps later.

Probably a good thing though, right?

LOL, probably. Except now he lives in the next stake over, and he's still not married. All these years later. Hmmm!

Wait. Does he have dark wavy hair, about 6 foot, green eyes?

Yeah! How'd you know?

I think I saw him when I went clubbing last Saturday! He was dancing with one of my old roommates from BYU! I think they're together!

No way! I can't believe this! Well, kill that dream then.

That's okay. Hey, looks like the program's over. Who r u? We should get together. What r u doing later today? I have an Elder's Quorum Presidency meeting after church, but after that . . .

What? I have an Elder's Quorum Presidency meeting too!



LDS Brother said...

Who needs a gay club when you've got EQP meeting? ;)

Joe Conflict said...

If only sacrament were always so interesting.

I am Landmark said...

Damn! I never get that response when *I* use Grindr in Sac Mtg. Must be in the wrong stake, or region, or state...or church.

Quinn said...

Wait, what is Grindr, and is this story true?

StevieB said...

Aaagh, that's funny! I can picture myself wanting to rip my own ears off rather than listen to Primary songs.

What happened next?