25 September 2009

The Town Hall Meeting That Didn't Pass Correlation

Unbeknownst to almost all but those who attended, I recently had the opportunity to host a town hall meeting which brought together a very interesting group of guests to discuss some hot topics with a group of active Latter-day Saints. For reasons that will become apparent, video and audio of this town hall meeting were deep-sixed by its producers who wished to stay in the good graces of the LDS Media Dept. But purely for historical purposes, I am able to present a transcript of the evening's discussion here.

Alan: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, brothers and sisters, this evening our first guest is Mr. Hank Hanegraaf, host of the popular radio show The Bible Answer Man, and well-known expert on the Mormons. Hank, we'll turn it over to you first.

Hank Hanegraaf: Thanks Alan.

You Mormons, you think you're Christian but you're really not. I don't buy all the smiley-faced happy fulfilled Christian lives and good neighbors stuff your PR machine pumps out, I am an expert on you people and I know what you really believe and how you really feel. You actually worship a heretical imitation Jesus concocted by a false prophet with a criminal history and a propensity for stealing other mens' wives and underage girls to satisfy his own lust. He wrote some fake scripture that has no historical proof. You really believe that Adam is God who had sex with Mary to create Jesus. You actually believe that you can be like God and everybody knows that's Satan's original temptation to Adam and Eve. You fell for a tale told by a demon disguised as an angel of light who preached another gospel, so you are accursed just like Paul said. I don't care what you say, I know that you secretly believe your works will save you and get you into heaven. You don't really believe the Bible when it talks about salvation by grace. You're not orthodox, you don't even qualify for the title of Christian because you don't believe in the true Jesus.

True Christians don't care what you say or how much you protest that you are Christian and believe in Jesus and rely on His atonement. We know your so-called testimonies are fabricated subjective feelings and not to be trusted. We are orthodox Christians, we know the real Jesus. You are deceived and you must change. You have to leave the Mormon cult and never touch it again, because if you keep believing and acting like Mormons you are going to hell. Don't bother telling us how Christian you are, because we know you're not. We know you're not really happy, that you're actually miserable, trapped in your Satanic cult. Cult, cult, cult.

Back to you, Alan.

Alan: Well, Mormons, are you offended? I don't know how you couldn't be. Do we have any questions from the audience?

Audience member: Yeah. Mr. Hanegraaf, how do you get your head through doors? You could bottle and sell all that arrogance, presuming to tell the Mormons what they really believe when it's so clear you have a hostile agenda that's bent on attacking and vilifying them at every turn and you have no idea what's truly in their hearts or heads.

Hank Hanegraaf: You are presumptuous and evil. No further comment.

Alan: Thank you for the question. Our next guests are Dr. Dean Byrd, Dr. Jeff Robinson, and special guest Elder LaVon McConkie Christensen Smith of the 49th Quorum of Seventy, who represent NARTH, Exodus International, and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Gentlemen, who'll be your spokesman?

Byrd & Robinson: By all means, Elder Smith. He has the mantle of authority.

Elder Smith: Thank you brethren, you are obviously well-schooled in The Unwritten Order of Things as preached by President Packer.

You gay Mormons may think you were created homosexual but you really weren't. You may think you're happy and fulfilled after coming out of the closet but you're really not. I don't buy all the smiley-faced happy fulfilled lives and good neighbors stuff your PR machine pumps out, I am an expert on you people and I know what you really believe and how you really feel. Being gay is not actually in anybody's DNA because that would contradict the Plan of Salvation. All the professional associations who say homosexuality isn't a mental disorder only changed their minds because of political pressure. Being gay is actually just a temporary earthly affliction like blindness and it will go away when you die. No I won't take any questions about how I know that. Regardless, you have to struggle against it and resist it because if you give into it, you'll be eternally miserable. You mustn't let yourselves fall in love the way you want. I don't care how strong it is or how fulfilling it is or how natural it seems. The Church knows what's really going on here and you don't.

We don't know why God has assigned you to struggle and suffer and grieve and be celibate and lonely your whole life, but that's your fate if you want to go to the Celestial Kingdom so deal. It doesn't matter that I've never experienced your pain and your sorrows and your grief and I don't comprehend your agony, your torture, your burden.

I don't need to. I have the mantle and I know how you really feel. You are fooling yourselves if you think you're happy or fulfilled. So stop smiling and laughing and loving each other and caring for each other and for pete's sake, stop marrying each other. You're not really happy that way. Forget about all that "by their fruits ye shall know them" stuff. It doesn't apply to you.
You have fallen for a tale told by a demon disguised as an angel of light who preaches another gospel and you risk losing your eternal blessings if you follow your heart. Because the Church knows there will never be any more revelation about the Celestial Kingdom, we have it all in Section 132 and there can't be any other model. Too bad, you have to adjust or be damned.

You're not really in love with another guy. You can't be. What you feel isn't really love. It isn't really fulfilling. Your feelings and convictions are fabricated and subjective and not to be trusted.
I and the other General Authorities are the Lord's mouthpieces, we know what you really think. You are deceived and you must change. You have to go to therapy and become straight and leave the gay cult and never touch it again, because if you keep believing and acting gay you are going to hell. Don't bother telling us how happy you are, because we know you're not. All that stuff about pride and happiness and embracing and support and cameraderie and peaceful hearts and a clear view just can't be true. We know you're secretly miserable, trapped in your selfish selfish lives. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Back to you, Alan.

Alan: Dr. Byrd and Dr. Robinson, do you have anything to add?

Byrd & Robinson: No. Except our office phone numbers and 10% off for anyone who signs up tonight and pays in advance for our special package of Pray Away The Gay therapy sessions.

Alan: Thank you gentlemen. Are there any questions from the audience?

Audience Member: Yeah. How come Elder Smith sounds just like the professional Mormon basher when he's obviously agenda-driven and clueless but still says he knows what gay people really think and feel better than they do themselves? Does it not even occur to him that he's just as offensive to gays with that attitude as Hanegraaf is to Mormons, and just about as accurate?

[At this point Church Security entered and hustled the questioner from the room and shut down the presentation]


Beck said...

We really do have all the answers, right? I mean, don't we?

It is so hard to help my wife realize that we really don't... and in fact, "no one knows my story" just as Joseph proclaimed in King Follett's sermon.

How quickly we are to judge and tell others what they really are feeling. I can't help but wonder what others would think if they really knew what I am feeling...

Thanks for the humor and the thoughts that have followed in personal reflection.

Anonymous said...

You are a brilliant writer, Alan. Thank you for sharing your masterful talent on your blog. I am linking this post on my list of "others' stellar posts". Thank you.

Ned said...

You might have missed this in all the emotion and commotion, but I'm sure your first speaker also referred to the congregation as "so-called mormons" and explained that they're really just suffering from temporary "religious confusion". The reality is that the "so-called Latter-day Saints, as they call themselves are nothing more than protestants with mormon tendencies." If only they will wake up and realize who they really are before it is too late.

I can't believe your second speaker didn't also mention that there's no such thing as a homosexual. There are just straight people with "gender confusion". They may have some "homosexual tendencies" but it has nothing to do with their true identity.

Anonymous said...

it boggles the mind to think that of all the health and economic and climate and social problems confronting the world today, the Lord's church has chose to focus on gay marriage

Good to be Free said...

Do you think that if I wanted to make a comment of dissent they would shut off the microphone and escort me out of the room?

Sean said...

Thank you Alan! What a shame the town hall was cut short. I would have liked to hear discussion on the controversial fake documents purchased by the church over the years, or perhaps explanation as to the origins of the Pearl of Great Price.

With all the money LDS, Inc. has they could take on several more (ahem) "social" issues. While still continuing to build multi million dollar temples at an alarming rate. So much for helping the poor and needy of the world.