14 February 2010

It's About Love

On this Valentine's Day, I wanted to re-visit and clarify something referenced in my last post. The reason will become clear in just a moment. I've decided one thing my correspondent mentioned needs more attention: the huge issue they had with the biomechanics, with "the fit" of genitalia as deciding the morality of being gay. So to that person I'd like to say this.

It's not about sex. Let me repeat. It's not about sex. Getting hung up on that issue puts the cart before the horse. Like I said before, deep down inside, everyone wants love, intimacy, security, appreciation, commitment. Optimally, sex should be a result of all that. True, some treat it like a casual playground activity, but it can and should be so much more: an expression, a manifestation of that love and care and appreciation and commitment. This is true whether a person is gay or straight. The sex is a consequence, at best a corollary. It is not a cause or catalyst.

Understanding this should help my correspondent get over the mental roadblock they have with what they imagine is misfit physiology. They need to understand that one of God's gay sons who truly loves another isn't just fixated on the other guy's equipment. He feels a spark, a connection, a pull like a magnet toward the spirit of the boy he loves. His heart will feel the same warm thrills and his tummy the same butterflies as any straight person would feel for their beloved. He will have hopes and dreams and longings when he thinks about that one special boy that are no different than what my straight correspondent would feel for their special one. He too will be unable to sleep or eat sometimes, preoccupied with thoughts and daydreams about them being together. Not about the sex, just about basking in the glow of the love they share. It is a connection of the heart, the mind, the soul, the spirit.

My correspondent may not be able to comprehend that this is possible between two guys, but I assure you it's true. One can accept that gravity, or relativity, or black holes, do exist and work--obviously--without comprehending just how. I have seen this kind of love, happiness, commitment in many gay couples myself. The love and commitment are obviously there. I've included with this post some pics of two wonderful, delightful friends of mine who will be married later this year. I defy anyone who doesn't have a heart of stone to look in their eyes and not see the delight and happiness and love they have for each other. Only the most sordid minds would look at them and still insist it's just about physical gratification.

So to my correspondent, let me say again on this Valentine's Day. It's not about sex. It's about love.


JC said...

After reading that, all I can really think to say is WOW!

I have never heard love quite put that way before. I just sat, stared at what you wrote, and then had to reread it.

What you described is what I believe every person on this planet longs for in life. Thank you for being able to so eloquently putting into words what I hope to someday find.


Sean said...

It's all about love.

Very cute pictures BTW.

Other Species said...

I think sex and love are Siamese twins. They are two distinct entities, yet they are extensions of each other. To kill one would lead to the death of the other. Great post again, Alan.

D-Train said...

Thank you for this post. Please re-post it monthly indefinitely. I think this is the single most misunderstood idea by our unfortunately straight counterparts, especially those of the Mormon variety.

Michael said...

Those are two of my favorite pictures :D

Thank you for this post!

Nonsequitur said...

Cruised in here from Reddit to read your post, well-written & thank-you! :)

Daniel said...

You're right, it's not about the sex. But, for the record, the parts do fit.

One of my favorite voices of reason and moderation in the gay community is John Corvino. He answers questions like this in a way that I think really speaks to the kinds of people posing the questions--you should check out his lecture What's Morally Wrong With Homosexuality? I think you'd like what he has to say and how he says it (there's a preview on the website).

C.J. said...

It's absolutely about love--and for the record, not all genitalia fits together correctly, regardless of the genders involved.

One thought I've had, though, is that I think, when it comes to acceptance, the GLBT community can be its own worst enemy--which is, in no way, meant to absolve anti-Constitution pus bags of their homophobia. Rather, I think there's a certain mixed message being presented: on the one hand, it's how you're born, not a lifestyle, and it's about love, not sex...on the other hand, checked out a gay pride parade lately? Now, of course, intelligent minds investigate ideas like internalizing the perceived morality of the aggressor, reclaiming negative imagery, and developing personality traits in opposition...but, and I'm generalizing here, the homophobes at the gates, largely, you know, resist thinking about things too much.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I'd love to see a gay pride parade featuring teachers, accountants, and office managers and their families marching down the road in their chinos.

Reina said...

Thank you for that post. I was nearly crying by the end of it because you put into words very clearly many of the thoughts I have been trying to sort out over the last few months.

Dean Grey said...

I absolutely agree with you, Alan!!!


Scott said...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I'd love to see a gay pride parade featuring teachers, accountants, and office managers and their families marching down the road in their chinos.

There was some of that, at last year's Salt Lake City Pride parade.

Granted, there were plenty of caged club dancers and drag queens, but in between there were gay parents' associations (with kids in strollers) and similar groups.

Daniel said...

As follow-up, this is a bulls-eye post: http://www.365gay.com/opinion/corvino-whats-love-got-to-do-with-it/