21 January 2009

"My Little Factory" Cut From Primary Song List

In keeping with the mission of Scrum Central to bring its readers the most riveting news stories around, the following appears thanks to The Sugarbeet's tireless efforts to keep the Saints informed of everything coming out of The Great And Spacious Building (a.k.a. 50 East North Temple):

By Paul Allen

SALT LAKE CITY, UT-The General Primary Music Board announced today that it has removed the song "My Little Factory" from consideration as it compiles its list for proposed updates to the Primary Songbook. Said Eva Cushman, spokeswoman for the Song Selection Appropriateness Committee, "We just felt that it introduced a spirit of inquiry in Primary that our Sharing Time teachers were not prepared to handle. 'What does the factory produce? Why does it run out? How do you start it up?' I ask you--who wants to deal with that in a group of CTRs?"

The songbook update is intended to include songs that not only teach gospel themes but also Church standards. Songs such as "I Will Never Let My Navel Show", "White Shirts and Snappy Ties", and "One Piercing, Enough For Me" are intended to remind children of the importance of appropriate dress and grooming, while "Never Ever a Boozer Will I Be" reinforces the theme that the Word of Wisdom is a sacred commandment. While "My Little Factory" was said to have had support at the highest levels of Church leadership, many in the Primary organization are grateful that The Brethren ultimately listened to those who work directly with the children.

Other songs that were deleted early from the list of suggestions included "Missionary to the Moslems" (which included references to hand grenades and surface-to-air missiles) and "Joseph and Emma and Fanny and Lucinda and Luisa and Zina and Prescienda and Agnes and Sylvia and Mary and . . ." (the Committee was concerned that the latter would become the Mormon equivalent of 100 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall). Two songs, "Froot Loops and Sacrament" and "I'll Baptize All The Dead One Day" survived an extra round of vetting, being okayed message-wise but rejected because their tunes were judged to be "too jingley" and "too somber," respectively.


Scott said...


Scott said...

(For those who don't get the reference...)

From "For Young Men Only", a talk given in the General Priesthood Session of General Conference on October 2, 1976:

I wish to explain something that will help you understand your young manhood and help you develop self-control. When this power begins to form, it might be likened to having a little factory in your body, one designed to produce the product that can generate life.

This little factory moves quietly into operation as a normal and expected pattern of growth and begins to produce the lifegiving substance. It will do so perhaps as long as you live. It works very slowly. That is the way it should be. For the most part, unless you tamper with it, you will hardly be aware that it is working at all.

As you move closer to manhood, this little factory will sometimes produce an oversupply of this substance. The Lord has provided a way for that to be released. It will happen without any help or without any resistance from you. Perhaps, one night you will have a dream. In the course of it the release valve that controls the factory will open and release all that is excess.

The factory and automatic release work on their own schedule. The Lord intended it to be that way. It is to regulate itself. This will not happen very often. You may go a longer period of time, and there will be no need for this to occur. When it does, you should not feel guilty. It is the nature of young manhood and is part of becoming a man.

There is; however, something you should not do. Sometimes a young man does not understand. Perhaps he is encouraged by unwise or unworthy companions to tamper with that factory. He might fondle himself and open that release valve. This you shouldn't do, for if you do that, the little factory will speed up. You will then be tempted again and again to release it. You can quickly be subjected to a habit, one that is not worthy, one that will leave you feeling depressed and feeling guilty. Resist that temptation. Do not be guilty of tampering or playing with this sacred power of creation. Keep it in reserve for the time when it can be righteously employed.

Abelard Enigma said...

"My Little Factory", "I Will Never Let My Navel Show", "White Shirts and Snappy Ties", and "One Piercing, Enough For Me" "Never Ever a Boozer Will I Be", "Missionary to the Moslems" (which included references to hand grenades and surface-to-air missiles)

Please tell me this is a joke - that you got it off the Onion.

I sure am glad my children are past primary ...

Michael said...

Man I am missing out!

Mike said...

Alan, could you send the lyrics to 'I Will Never Let My Navel Show' and 'White Shirts and Snappy Ties?"

I daresay that I would rather not wait for the release of the new songbook as I feel inspired that my children need to learn them now.

I look forward to your response.

Alan said...

OK Mike, you know I can't resist a challenge like that. Here's a first set (this can also be used as a Relief Society hymn):

I will never let my navel show
'Cause the boys' thoughts all come from below
I will clothe myself from head to toe
And will tell my boyfriends no, no, no.

I will never kiss before I wed
I will never look at a double bed
'Cause my body is a temple and
It must not be touched by human hand

I will marry in the temple, then
I will throw all caution to the wind
Till the baby comes, then back we go
I will never again let my navel show

Alan said...

And the second one (neither of these would pass Correlation, of course):

White shirts and snappy ties
That's the life for me
Such a sparkle in my eyes
At the MTC

Teach the gospel every day
Everyone will hear
Pound the pavement without pay
Trudging far and near

Bash with fundies till I drop
Keeping up the stats
Mission cooking horrid slop
And our place has rats

Greying shirts and frazzled tie
Comp's a lazy jerk
I'll be AP by and by
I deserve the perk

Two years passes like a flash
Can't believe I'm through
Suddenly it's wedding night
Now what do I do?

Scott said...

Ooh. Can I try?

One Piercing, Enough For Me

My body is a temple
As holy as can be,
So when I make new holes in it
One hole's enough for me.

If I am to follow Thee,
One piercing is enough for me.

The child with perforated ears
Is clearly a bad seed,
A single tasteful piercing
Is all I really need.


No labret, septum, or Monroe,
No nipple, eyebrow, tongue,
But just one piercing in each ear
(And not when I'm too young)


I'll keep my body holy,
And treat it as I should.
I'll get one piercing in each ear
Then stop, and call it good.

(Repeat Chorus)

Alan said...

Either the inspiration is spreading or we are collectively more deranged than I thought. I choose the former. Well done, Scott.