21 June 2009

Conference Announcement

WARNING: The following is NOT for the humor-impaired. It is not obscene but may be offensive to some. It is satire, and biting at that, and as with most satire, it is funny because of the truth it contains. Read at your own risk.


During a recent visit to Salt Lake, I picked up a pamphlet in a downtown club. It advertised an event that I knew would be of great interest to whoever might still be reading this blog, so as a public service I am passing it on to you. Here's what it said.


Announcing the NeverWeaned International 19th Annual Conference! September 18 & 19, 2009 in Salt Lake City UT!

We are pleased to announce the 19th Annual Conference of NeverWeaned International, the only safe, correlated, orthodox organization for Latter-day Saints who struggle and groan and wilt under the massive, exhausting burden of Sexually Tortured Under Tyrannical Ideation Disorder ("STUPID").

NeverWeaned believes that the wicked non-LDS world's deceptive use of words like "gay" or "homosexual" as euphemisms for the more doctrinally palatable term STUPID dilutes and may even eliminate the divinely intended effects of this God-given supreme test of mortality in the lives of Strugglers who ought to be feeling the agony every day as they sweat and strain mightily to resist.

So if you're a clear-thinking Latter-day Saint Struggler not beguiled by science or the American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the American Medical Association, or any of those other tragically deceived lobbying groups, and if your daily wrestle with STUPID consumes your every waking thought, then the NeverWeaned Conference can provide your annual replenishment of force-fed strength to endure the coming year of pain! Only NeverWeaned Conferences offer reliably regular, Correlated, Church-approved, and spiritually safe fixes of hyped-up hope that reparative therapy might someday work for somebody. They're a unique array of the philosophies of men mingled with scripture to help you stay firm in the faith that God must have a reason for imposing the lifelong torture of STUPID on poor pitiful victimized Strugglers like you.

Regular paid attendance at NeverWeaned Conferences throughout your life will convince you that staying mired in the miasma of misery throughout mortality will in the next life qualify you for transformation into something normal. Such a simple solution. What a relief! Yes, it's true that no scripture says anything like that (yet), but we're confident that NeverWeaned will eventually persuade the Brethren to preach it as doctrine anyway! The caffeine obsession is losing steam outside Utah, and NeverWeaned thinks it has identified the best new issue to perpetuate the guilt we all thrive on: that issue is STUPID! So come join the movement!

Our Conferences have had remarkable effects on many lives already. Over the past twenty years we've reduced annual sales at the Trolley Square Yankee Candle store by 8%! Statistics indicate that in Salt Lake, sales at The Gap drop off and Mr. Mac sales jump during NeverWeaned Conferences! And thanks to us, the Provo MTC is replacing Tree of Life showers with private locking shower stalls so no missionary who made it over the raised bar with any residual STUPID has to face temptation ever again! We're spreading the shame!

The fellowship at NeverWeaned Conferences is unmatched. Strugglers who've attended in the past acknowledge that a NeverWeaned Conference is the best place in Utah to meet others who really understand STUPID. Who really feel like you do. Who really like to feel like you do. Who really want to share those feelings with you. Every year we're glad to see so many Strugglers pair up during NeverWeaned Conferences to share feelings afterward. We count on that happening so that attendance at our Conferences will continue to grow!

This year's Conference includes the following dynamic presenters:

Dr. Joseph Bird Robinson - A psychologist licensed in Grenada, Dr. Robinson lives in Medicine Hat, Utah where he runs the Fundamentally Understanding Boys Are Righteous ("FUBAR") Foundation, well known for treating Strugglers who want to improve their comprehension of professional sports. He is a former chairman of the Alumni Association at the University of New Mexico at Alamogordo, current president of the Four Corners Area Coalition to Procure Federal Funds to Pave The Monument Valley Trails, and the father of nine girls, five of whom are rodeo champions.

Mikayla Hidebounde - A former preacher and faith healer on the Trinity Broadcasting Network, Mikayla now tours the country lecturing and educating Christians on pro-family values issues like scrapbooking, the evils of public education, how to perpetuate Biblical gender roles despite equal protection laws, and teaching boys how to can peaches. A nationally known cross-stitch expert, she draws from her own difficult life experiences growing up as the formerly STUPID-afflicted daughter of touring circus acrobats who exposed her to the horrors of real life in a non-Christian world. She holds an Associate's Degree in General Studies from Wynonna Judd State College in Brass Band, Kentucky.

Ammon & Taylor McConkie Smith - This locally known husband & wife team of entertainers has been inspiring ward picnics and Elks Lodge meetings from Bear Lake to Beaver for the last five years. This is their fourth appearance at a NeverWeaned Conference! Ammon Smith was born and raised in Provo, captained his high school gymnastics team, served a mission in San Francisco, was head cheerleader for BYU, and graduated with a degree in interior design before beginning his new career as a motivational songwriter and musician. His wife Taylor McConkie Smith was a track & field star at Orem High, is a champion rock climber, a Harley-Davidson enthusiast, and sings Ammon's songs with a voice as beautifully resonant as Tina Turner's. They have no children.

Unfortunately this year we weren't able to secure a General Authority speaker because the NeverWeaned Conference dates conflict with an All-GA Retreat inside the Granite Mountain Storage Facility where The Brethren are planning next year's campaign in California to protect marriage once again, and the campaign for the year after that to repeal it in Canada, and for the year after that in Spain, and the year after that in Norway. Next year, perhaps, unless they're busy again planning the next campaign in California then too!

So if you are a Struggler determined to stay that way, come join us! After you register at the Conference, be sure to sign the petition to canonize the Proclamation on the Family as Section 139! And if you want to save money on future Conferences, you can enroll in Straight To Heaven, the lifetime NeverWeaned Conference membership program, a bargain at only $19,999! (Financing available through Zions Bank OAC and on confirmation of full tithepayer status). Conference commemorative souvenirs will be available at all sessions, including t-shirts, hats, tote bags, waterproof Scripture quote plaques for your home shower, and our special line of "LiaHomo" brand hair & skin care products, manufactured especially for us by Bath & Body Works.

We'll see you at the Conference! And next year's! And the year after that! And for the rest of your life! Because you are NeverWeaned!

4 comments:

Max Power said...

LOL!

I especially loved the bio of Ammon & Taylor McConkie Smith.

Matt said...

Eh. It was funny for a few paragraphs, but then it got repetitive.

Beck said...

Smirk...

Thanks for raising my cynicism levels for the week.

Alan said...

@Matt:

You should have seen the real pamphlet announcing the real conference. You think THIS was repetitive?