Product Announcement

With election season over and, one hopes, temperatures of all kinds dropping a bit, it's time to slow down, take a breath, and indulge some lighter topics for a little while. So I decided to do a little test marketing of a new product line targeting those Mormon guys with a “special affinity for their brethren.”

Warning to the humor-impaired: the following includes mockery of cultural stereotypes which some by-the-book types may find offensive. If you're the kind who refuses to expose your Primary children to harmful images like, say, those violent hyenas in Disney's Lion King, click here now for content more to your family standards.

OK, for those more broad-minded folks still here, it occurred to me that you all are wasting serious money at Yankee Candle stores to make your homes smell good but too generic. So for the LDS Slightly Right of Kinsey Zero crowd who want to have wafting through their mortal abode a special something that subtly says “this is what I'm all about”, check out the names in this new line of home fragrance candles (thanks to Mike for some excellent improvements and a couple of great titles):

Smith Field House Workout Shirt – clean but slightly musky, with a hint of basketball rubber and chalk

Provo City Bakery – The warm scent of fresh donuts, bread and cookies, homey and inviting

Fresh Linen Temple Robe – clean and slightly starchy

Richards Building Locker Room – Like Workout Shirt but muskier, with notes of Lysol, teak, mold, Old Spice, locker hinge grease and fraying towels

Temple Square Rose Garden – perfectly correlated scents of roses and Easter lilies

Shirtless Timp Forest Hike – pine woods, sweat and sunscreen, with a hint of Coca-cola

MTC Tea Tree of Life – fresh, camphor, woody, with a balancing finish of BYU fruit punch, bulletin board cork, and newly engraved plastic name tags

Uniform of the Priesthood – blends the clean softness of white cotton, the richness of navy blue wool, and the sharp artificial tang of a Mr. Mac polyester tie

Rugby Pitch - turf, dirt, sweat, rain, leather, and ripped up jerseys

EQP's Hair Gel – slightly astringent but sweet and spicy too. Says “You can look but don't touch!”

Priesthood Basketball – heavy on the musk, with a hint of blood and sweaty palms

HT Companion's New Ride – fresh leather. 'Nuff said.

RM Obsession – beyond description. Apologies to Calvin Klein.


So start saving your pocket change, folks, and watch this space for marketing launch details! Additional title suggestions welcomed. All submissions become the property of Liahomo Candles, Inc., without further compensation.