05 November 2008

Product Announcement

With election season over and, one hopes, temperatures of all kinds dropping a bit, it's time to slow down, take a breath, and indulge some lighter topics for a little while. So I decided to do a little test marketing of a new product line targeting those Mormon guys with a “special affinity for their brethren.”

Warning to the humor-impaired: the following includes mockery of cultural stereotypes which some by-the-book types may find offensive. If you're the kind who refuses to expose your Primary children to harmful images like, say, those violent hyenas in Disney's Lion King, click here now for content more to your family standards.

OK, for those more broad-minded folks still here, it occurred to me that you all are wasting serious money at Yankee Candle stores to make your homes smell good but too generic. So for the LDS Slightly Right of Kinsey Zero crowd who want to have wafting through their mortal abode a special something that subtly says “this is what I'm all about”, check out the names in this new line of home fragrance candles (thanks to Mike for some excellent improvements and a couple of great titles):

Smith Field House Workout Shirt – clean but slightly musky, with a hint of basketball rubber and chalk

Provo City Bakery – The warm scent of fresh donuts, bread and cookies, homey and inviting

Fresh Linen Temple Robe – clean and slightly starchy

Richards Building Locker Room – Like Workout Shirt but muskier, with notes of Lysol, teak, mold, Old Spice, locker hinge grease and fraying towels

Temple Square Rose Garden – perfectly correlated scents of roses and Easter lilies

Shirtless Timp Forest Hike – pine woods, sweat and sunscreen, with a hint of Coca-cola

MTC Tea Tree of Life – fresh, camphor, woody, with a balancing finish of BYU fruit punch, bulletin board cork, and newly engraved plastic name tags

Uniform of the Priesthood – blends the clean softness of white cotton, the richness of navy blue wool, and the sharp artificial tang of a Mr. Mac polyester tie

Rugby Pitch - turf, dirt, sweat, rain, leather, and ripped up jerseys

EQP's Hair Gel – slightly astringent but sweet and spicy too. Says “You can look but don't touch!”

Priesthood Basketball – heavy on the musk, with a hint of blood and sweaty palms

HT Companion's New Ride – fresh leather. 'Nuff said.

RM Obsession – beyond description. Apologies to Calvin Klein.


So start saving your pocket change, folks, and watch this space for marketing launch details! Additional title suggestions welcomed. All submissions become the property of Liahomo Candles, Inc., without further compensation.

7 comments:

Bravone said...

Thanks, I really needed that! I haven't laughed for days and now I am rolling! I am a bit disappointed that there are no rugby fragrances. Don't let me down!

Mike said...

I am pretty partial to the EQP hair gel one. Can I get a case of that? I promise to only look, though...... LOL

Alan said...

Thanks Bravone, new product added to the line-up, one not for the faint of heart. Could be the best of the bunch!

Bravone said...

Now we're talking!

Зеркало / The Mirror said...

I will take everything! Can I charge it to my card? And may I take the time to say: THAT KID SHOW IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CREEPY. Thanks ;)

Bror said...

Hey, if you need help with all these orders, let me know, I will be right over to help box them up.

Gay Mormon said...

How about that RM Obsession? Do you give out any free samples? Ya made me roar!