12 July 2009

Trick Or Treat!

Everybody knows advertising has become pervasive, and my source within NeverWeaned International reports that this year's conference gift bags are being provided by Dr. Dean Robinson, Dr. Jeffrey Byrd, NARTH, and the Foundation for the Advancement of Reparative Therapy. These merchants of dreams of righteous conformity are providing an impressive array of baubles designed to entice earnest and trusting conference participants back to the therapy couch for another expensive year. Who could resist toys like these:

Special NeverWeaned Edition BYU baseball cap. Hidden under the brim are blinders and a nose shield that fold down to form a tunnel through which the wearer can look straight ahead and avoid all that walking pornography in just about every sunny public place;

A bag of Great Salt Lake Sand large enough to fit one's head for when the lure of the Affirmation Web site gets too strong;

Discreet pants pocket sized refreezable ice packs for moments of severe temptation when no cold shower's available;

Polished wooden tablet etched with the Proclamation on the Family, suitable for banging against forehead while filing into the Conference chanting Pie Jesu Domine Dona Nobis Requiem;

Special "Homo-Fob" key rings with the NeverWeaned International Seal and a toll-free number to each of the bag's sponsors for emergency reparative therapy in moments of crisis (regular hourly rates apply, additional 50% service fee nights, weekends and during EFY); and

Special edition Book of Mormon Blue iPod. Software designed by HomoLetix, Inc. to automatically filter out unworthy lyrics. Pre-loaded with MoTab's Greatest Hits, Jeffrey Byrd's popular lecture "How I Can Straighten You Out In Fewer Years Than Robinson Can", and Dean Robinson's popular lecture "Why My Reparative Therapy Takes A Whole Decade Less Than Byrd's." Refuses to synch any music by Britney Spears or the soundtrack from Wicked.

And if you miss the conference, all these wonderful therapeutic products will still be available from each of the gift bag sponsors interest free for one full year on approved credit. Such a deal.

1 comment:

Ezra said...

LOL Alan, you crack me up.